Prologue
Monica leaned on the refrigerator door, trying to make up her mind about what to attempt for breakfast. Andrew was still sleeping peacefully upstairs and as today marked their third week of marriage she wanted to surprise him with breakfast in bed. She giggled softly to herself, thinking that her husband had not married the most conventional of angels, but then again, marriage between angels was not all that conventional either. She sadly lacked in culinary ability, but she had been watching him closely for the last two weeks and had been making mental notes and breakfast seemed the easiest of the three daily meals. She would even force herself to refrain from using coffee in the French toast if it killed her.
"Good morning, baby."
The little angel spun around, startled, at the voice of her supervisor and her heart immediately caught in her throat, as she pondered the reason for this visit. Generally, she was extremely pleased to see Tess, but she had a feeling that this was more than a social call and the thought caused her stomach to twist into knots. She nearly had to force her feet to move over to the older angel to hug her. "It’s good to see you, Tess."
Tess hugged her charge tightly and sighed, "Not exactly the enthusiastic greeting I was hoping for, but I suppose under the circumstances, I can’t blame you."
She was immediately fighting tears, but she blinked them back and asked the one question she had been dreading to hear the answer to, "When?"
"Tonight, Angel Girl," Tess’ voice held great regret and she felt a small tremor flow through her charge. The older angel had been dreading this moment as well, knowing that this would be more or less the first time Monica would be separated from Andrew since she had been raped. God’s love and Andrew’s love had hopefully made the little angel stronger, but still Tess knew that this transition would be difficult for both younger angels.
Monica gave a little nod as she pulled away and somehow managed to keep her voice from trembling, "Are you staying?"
"No, baby. I’m on assignment, but the Father just wanted me to let you know. I trust you’ll tell Andrew."
"Of course," the words were quiet and filled with more sadness than Tess had heard from her in a long time.
"You’ll be fine, Angel Girl, and this won’t be forever. You know that," Reaching out, she laid a gentle hand against Monica’s cheek, "I’ll be back tonight."
Once Tess had departed, Monica stood in the middle of the kitchen, breakfast forgotten, and only the ache in her heart remaining. Slowly she climbed the stairs to the bedroom and slipped inside quietly, her eyes on her husband, who continued to sleep; blissfully ignorant of the news she had just gotten.
She stood beside him, watching him for a moment, her heart filling with great love. He was going to feel just as she did once he knew that their time together for now was over and she was loathe to tell him just yet, despite that she knew he would want her to share the pain that was in her heart. Watching him sleep, she wondered how she would ever be able to wake up tomorrow without his arms around her and the very thought caused her vision to blur.
Reaching out, she touched a lock of his hair. He made her feel so safe and so loved and though she had known this day would come, it was still difficult to fathom that it had arrived, but she was an angel of God first, and so was Andrew and what they had together came in second, but the loss of it was still unbearable.
Quietly, she removed her robe and crawled back into bed beside of him and inched her way down his body, being careful not to wake him. Her eyes roamed over his body, loving the strength of him. The same strength that would always protect her could hold her in a way so tenderly it made her heart hurt each time just from the emotions that would wash over her in those first few moments of his arms being around her.
Reaching down, she took him in hand, feeling him harden against her, loving the way his body could respond to her touch even in sleep. She had wanted to surprise him this morning, and regardless of Tess’ announcement, that was still her plan. Looking up, she saw that he was still asleep but as soon as her tongue slid across him, she watched as his eyes opened, passion already present in them and she was unable to help but smile.
"Angel…" His voice was husky with the feelings she was inspiring within him and he longed to kiss her, but she apparently had other plans. He’d had a taste of her mouth in the shower the first morning of their honeymoon and he wasn’t sure how long he would be able to control himself.
"Good morning," her voice was sultry with her desire for him and a second later, she had taken the length of him into her mouth, causing a rather loud groan to escape his lips. Monica worked him slowly, alternating between slow strokes that left him nearly insane to quicker ones where she could feel his passion building. Her tongue lapped at him in between strokes, running lightly along his brim, before taking him into her mouth once more, sucking and working him with her tongue. Her hand clutched him tightly, moving up and down in rhythm with her mouth.
"Monica…" He gasped, wanting her to stop and to continue all at the same time as he struggled to hold back the inevitable. Her mouth was hot and wet and she was showing no signs of backing off and when she took his full length into herself, he cried out her name with the release he could no longer hold back. He could feel her swallowing against him as she slowed, taking her time to complete him. He was breathless.
Recovering, he pulled her back up the bed gently, smiling at the smug expression her beautiful face, "Turn about is fair play, angel," He whispered wickedly into her ear before he kissed her, long and hard, stealing her breath, before moving to between her legs. There was no teasing as his tongue plunged into her core, causing a cry to escape her. His own passion mounted once more at how wet she was just from pleasuring him and he lapped at her hungrily, her sweetness filling his senses. He knew he could easily spend the rest of eternity with her and never tire of tasting her, touching her, loving her. He took her nub into his mouth and sucked it gently, and then a bit harder, plunging her into orgasm with a cry on her lips as he continued to lap at her, drinking in her completion.
Trailing kisses up her body, he positioned himself at her entrance, and filled her completely, feeling her silky walls enfold him as her hips moved to the rhythm he set. She was crying out constantly, murmuring words of love and passion that spurred him on. Feeling his own intensity building once more, he captured her mouth in a bruising kiss just as she tightened around him, her back arching into her climax and with one last powerful thrust, he emptied himself into her.
They were both breathless, but as he started to slip from her depths, she reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Don’t…not yet…"
Andrew felt his heart clench as a minute later, he felt a tear splash onto his shoulder and he already knew before she even had to tell him. He closed his eyes as he slipped from her in order to pull her tightly up against his chest, "When?" He whispered, his hands working into her hair desperately.
"Tonight."
*****
They spent the day trying to distract themselves from the fact that come nightfall Monica would be gone, and Andrew would be left to await his own assignment. They went swimming for hours in the morning, with playful splashing turning into passionate kissing, and Monica lost count of how many times she ran down the dock and cannonballed into the water.
Somehow they got through lunch without talking about their impending separation, and then spent the afternoon wandering the woods and lying in an open field talking and looking up at the clouds. The sun began its downward path and Andrew reluctantly got to his feet and extended his hand to Monica.
"I’m not ready," she said softly.
"I know, sweetheart. Neither am I. It won’t be for long."
"We don’t know that."
"God didn’t put us together just to tear us apart. I know I’ll be with you again before you know it."
The sky had turned orange and purple and red by the time they reached the house, and Monica wandered into the bedroom and stared at the quilt on the bed. She heard Andrew follow her and was grateful to feel his arms wrap around her from behind. His warm mouth placed a trail of kisses down her neck and she let her head fall to the side, exposing more of it to his questing mouth.
"Tess could be here any minute."
"She can wait. I’m not letting her take you away without making love to you one more time. I want you to leave here remembering just how treasured and loved you are."
Turning her head she looked up into his eyes, tears welling although she was smiling. "I’ll never forget that, Andrew."
"Well let’s just make sure, okay?" he bent down and kissed her deeply, one hand at the back of her head and the other around her waist, supporting her as her knees grew weak. He took his time, memorizing the feel of her in his arms and the taste of her on his lips. Then, in a swift motion, he lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed.
Her initial protests about the time were all but forgotten as she pulled his dark tshirt over his head and ran her slender fingers over the muscles of his chest and shoulders. He loved the way she touched him, her hands so sure as if she had been doing it forever. He guessed that in many ways she had. With hands or words or heart, she had always known exactly how to touch him.
Wanting this to last, for both of them, Andrew allowed her to continue her explorations as they kissed, but soon the need to touch her as well became unbearable. He gently slid one hand up under the edge of her shirt, pausing first to rub warm circles around her belly before moving upwards to cup her breast. She let out a moan against his lips and he couldn’t help chuckling.
"I love that sound," he murmured. "I love knowing that I can make you feel that good."
"Better than good… wonderful," she replied as she pulled back a hair and looked deeply into his eyes.
"I love you, Monica," the words were only a whisper as he captured her mouth again and his other hand moved to unbutton her shirt.
Despite their best efforts, things moved much faster after that point and soon their clothing lay in disarray on the floor as they continued to kiss and tease each other. They both wanted to be the one to make the other beg. Andrew had worked his way down to her breasts and seemed to be winning the battle of wills. Monica’s hands were twined in his hair, urging him on as he suckled at one breast while his nimble fingers worked the other. Her body was surging up against his and he felt her dampness against his stomach and almost lost his concentration. At that instant he wanted nothing more than to be ensconced in her warmth; to feel that precious joining that symbolized their unending love. In that instant he knew that she was the one who had really won because he suddenly couldn’t wait any longer.
He licked around her nipple gently, one more time and then looked into her face as he brought his other hand up to continue where his mouth had left off. He didn’t have to say a word as he could see his own expression mirrored on her face. She nodded her head almost frantically.
"Please," she whispered, and he leaned forward as he entered her and whispered back, "I need you so much, angel… and I love you even more than that."
"Oh, I love you, Andrew. I love you," she repeated again and again as she moved her hips against him, treasuring the feeling of him inside, touching places that only he could; touching her heart and soul. She felt herself rushing to the edge much faster than she wanted to but he seemed to sense that and slowed the pace just before she fell. Her hands moved to his face and she met his gaze for a long moment before pulling him down for another kiss. He started moving faster again, pushing them both towards the edge, and this time she welcomed it. With his hands still gently stroking her breasts and tweaking at her nipples he thrust into her deeply and when he felt her clench around him he let out a groan that ended in her name and joined her as they reached completion together.
They continued moving against each other for long minutes afterwards, wringing every last sensation from their bodies before finally parting to lie, sated, in one another’s arms. Andrew was still placing feather light kisses against Monica’s forehead and she was still tracing lazy circles on his chest.
"That was so wonderful," she murmured. "Thank you."
He chuckled deep in his chest. "You don’t ever have to thank me for that!"
"Now I really don’t want to leave," she continued, a trace of guilt in her voice.
"And I don’t want to let you go."
"But we have to."
He pulled her close and nodded against the top of her head. "Yes we do. But think of it this way. Now we have one more memory to add to the ones we already have in our hearts."
Chapter One
Paul’s hand on her arm was slightly rougher than usual and Alex looked at him with a mix of confusion and irritation as he led her into his office. He shut the door behind them and closed the blind, and by the time he turned around his wife had her arms crossed and one eyebrow raised.
"Don’t give me that look," he said gruffly. "What the hell was that about?"
"What are you talking about? They asked for volunteers… I volunteered. What’s the problem?"
"The problem?" Paul was still trying to keep his voice low although for the first time he found himself actually angry with her. "The problem is that I don’t want you to do it. You should have asked me first."
Alex’s eyes held surprise and astonishment. "Asked you? For what? Permission?"
He realized that didn’t sound very good. "I don’t think it’s asking too much for you to discuss putting yourself in harm’s way before you do it," he replied tightly.
"This is my job, Paul, and you’ve never stood in my way before." She was still trying to grasp how angry he was, and she could tell that it was anger, lurking behind a calm mask. He had always been supportive of her, and had never questioned her when she was on a case.
"Your job is with missing persons now, and not with organized crime. Your job doesn’t involve throwing yourself into an undercover sting operation where you could get killed!"
"They needed a volunteer!"
"And you just had to raise your hand?"
She felt her own anger beginning to rise. "I’ve never backed away from a challenge in my life."
"I know that, and I appreciate that, but we are married, Alex. We are a team. I gave up Witness Protection so that--"
"Well how big of you!" she cut him off. "I’m sorry it was such a sacrifice. I’m sure you really hate being the VCS section chief." Her eyes were blazing.
"I didn’t mean it that way and you know it! I gave it up so that I would be out of the line of fire and off the road. So that we could be together. And I’ve never regretted it."
"Well it sure as hell sounds like you do."
"Alex…"
"No… no… I didn’t realize I was such a ball and chain to you," she spat, not even knowing why she was saying such things when in her heart she knew they weren’t true.
Her accusation made the blood rush to his face as he felt his composure slipping. "Well at least I gave something up for this relationship. Apparently it doesn’t mean that much to you. Apparently proving yourself to the world is more important to you. Who the hell are you trying to impress? You’ve just gotta be the first in line to get yourself killed because you’re a woman, is that it? Still trying to push yourself through some barrier you’ve erected in your head."
"It wasn’t in my head!"
"Not at first, no, but even now you’re still pushing when everyone already respects you. You’d rather stay here to have every guy in this office patting you on the back then come home to our bed." He knew he’d gone just a step too far but it was too late to take the words and their implication back.
Alex’s blue eyes grew cold and hard as she stared at him, anger warring with hurt. "That is not true and you know it. Or haven’t I been good enough for you? I never heard you complaining before. I guess that wasn’t me with your dick in my mouth this morning."
Paul ran his hand through his dark hair and clenched his jaw tightly. "That’s not what we’re talking about. What we’re talking about is the fact that you think it’s okay to throw yourself into danger without even thinking about me… about us." Damn. How had this become an argument? What the fuck was he even saying? He could see she was hurt but he was still trying to make his point instead of just letting it go and giving them both a chance to cool off.
"No, what we’re talking about is that you don’t trust me enough to make decisions for myself, and apparently I haven’t been enough of a wife for you either." Her throat was beginning to close and she knew that she had to get out of the office soon or she was going to lose it altogether and she wasn’t about to let that happen.
"Alex--" he was cut off by his pager going off and he almost growled as he looked at it and then slammed it back into its holder on his belt.
"What’s wrong? Big break in that case you’ve been working on? I guess you’d better get going."
"Alex…"
"No, just go," she insisted as she went to the door and threw it open. "This little discussion is over anyway," she said over her shoulder, and she walked down the hallway without a second glance.
*****
Monica walked quickly down the sidewalk, darting in and out of the crowds of people that littered the walkway. It still made her slightly uncomfortable to be surrounded by strangers when she was alone, despite the fact that Alex had taught her to defend herself against any unwanted advances. Washington was an extremely large and rather intimidating city as it was and unfortunately, she didn’t have many memories of it that were all that pleasant.
Her assignment was finally over after the better part of a week and even she had to admit that her first case after a long absence had gone well. Tess had checked on her intermittently, making sure the little angel knew that she was never far away if Monica needed her and that had come as a relief. But another heart now belonged to God and it was just another reminder of why she did love this work that she did.
She missed Andrew terribly. The ache over his absence was even greater now that they were married and the one downfall to the last few days was that sleep at best had been restless. She missed having him beside of her and waking up in his arms each morning. She was clinging to his words that this separation wouldn’t be for long, but her assignment was over, she hadn’t been told what she was supposed to be doing next, and she had still not seen him. Her disappointment was a hard pill to swallow.
She felt her husband’s love in her heart constantly, a reminder that wherever he was, he was thinking of her and loving her and that brought her much needed peace when he was unable to hold her physically. Monica was only praying that they would be together by the first of the week as it was the four month anniversary of her rape. It seemed a peculiar thing to think of as an anniversary, but now she could look at it much more positively. She could look back at that time and see how far she had come and could even feel proud of that accomplishment and there was no one she wanted more to share it with than the one who had done so much to see her through that time.
She let out a small sigh. All she could do right now was to occupy herself and all week she had been well aware of the fact that Paul and Alex were working right across town and now with her job completed, she was hoping to be able to take her two friends to lunch. Though it had only been a month, she missed them. The thought struck her then that maybe they would be out on assignments of their own, and her eyes darted around for a pay phone. Seeing one across the street, she waited for a break in the steady stream of city traffic and ran across, one hand digging into her purse for change.
She quickly dialed Paul’s cell phone number, knowing that if the agent was in the field he would have it turned off, and she was both relieved and a bit taken back by his gruff tone when he answered with no more than a "yeah?"
"Paul?"
"Monica?" He paused from where he stood out on the sidewalk outside of the FBI building at hearing her voice, as he struggled to put his still stewing anger aside, "Sweetheart, where are you? Are you all right?"
"I’m fine, Paul and only a few blocks away actually. I was hoping to catch you-."
"Is Andrew with you?" He hoped he was as he wasn’t completely comfortable with her wandering the city alone.
She was quiet for a moment, "No. We’ve both gone back to work and I haven’t seen him," Another pause, "I miss him."
He felt a wave of guilt go through him that her words inspired. He had the luxury of working with Alex everyday while Monica and Andrew faced separations from each other all the time. She missed her husband and he had made his wife feel inadequate in the bedroom. Lovely. Fucking lovely, "I’m sure you do, honey."
He fell silent and Monica had a feeling something was wrong, "I was hoping to be able to take you and Alex to lunch. I can be there in ten minutes."
Great. As much as he wanted to see the little angel, lunch with his wife was not an option at the moment. Not until he figured out the best way to grovel and beg for forgiveness for being a complete bastard. Yes, he was still angry about her volunteering, but the insinuations he had made were nothing short of below the belt. How had he managed to get so angry and so fucking thoughtless?
"Sweetie, I would love to, but I can’t. I’m sure Alex would love to see you though, not that I wouldn’t, but now just isn’t a good time."
"Oh."
He could hear the disappointment in her voice and he cursed himself once more. One more strike and he was out. He had insulted his wife and was now blowing off the angel who was like a kid sister to him. For the first time in a long while, he was craving a shot of whiskey. Hopefully Alex would blow off some steam to Monica and the angel would calm her down. It wasn’t a plan he was proud of, but he had no idea what else to do at the moment as Alex had dismissed him. Not that he could blame her.
"I guess I’ll see you sometime then. I’m not sure how long I’ll be in town," She hesitated briefly, "Is everything all right, Paul?"
He managed a forced laugh, "Loaded question, Monica. Listen, have lunch with Alex. If you’re still around, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Sure, Paul. Take care, okay?" She was unable to shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. As she hung up the phone, she sighed once more before turning and hurrying down the street to the FBI building where she could hopefully get to the bottom of what was bothering her friend.
*****
Alex sat staring at her computer screen, not really seeing any of the e-mails that had been waiting for her as her vision was blurred with angry tears. They had never fought like that before; he had never hurt her like that before and the fact that he had, caused her emotions to well up deep in her heart. She loved the son of a bitch with everything in her, and this was the thanks she had just gotten. A slam about being selfish and obviously insufficient at pleasing him. She knew he had been angry, maybe he even had a reason to be, though she would have thought he would have understood her reasons behind volunteering for the undercover work. But instead he had insinuated that she had nothing to prove as a female agent and had insinuated she had been absent in their marriage. She worked at marriage harder than she had ever worked at anything. Not that being married to Paul was hard work, but she was deeply committed to the two of them, and to have her efforts trivialized was nothing short of hurtful.
"Knock, knock?"
The agent looked up, and a smile emerged at seeing Monica poke her head in the office door, "Monica!" She was on her feet instantly and pulling the angel inside for a hug as she took that moment to blink back her tears, "What are you doing here? Where’s Andrew? How was your honeymoon? You must tell me everything!"
Monica laughed as she pulled away, feeling very happy to be in Alex’s company again as she contemplated her answers, "I just came off assignment, Andrew is working somewhere and the honeymoon…." A smile spread across her face, "Was perfect."
Reaching for her hands, Alex squeezed them tightly, "Just tell me if I was right…about things….if you even…" She felt a flush rise to her face, "I must be going to hell for wanting to know if an angel had sex on her honeymoon."
Monica turned crimson, though a laugh escaped her, "You were right…about everything."
"Good, then it appears I know something then."
Monica could pick up traces of bitterness in her friend’s voice and it only added to her belief that something had transpired between she and Paul, "Can you leave for lunch? My treat."
"Best idea I’ve heard all day, honey, and we have lots of catching up to do."
Monica noticed how the woman’s hands shook just slightly as she shut her computer down and she caught the high color in her cheeks. She was acting cheerfully enough but the angel was very adept at reading people’s body language and it was blatantly obvious that whatever was bothering Paul was bothering Alex as well.
"Okay, I’m ready, let’s go. There’s a good place right around the corner." She led Monica out of the office and down the hall towards the elevators.
"Too bad Paul can’t come," Monica said, trying to make it sound like an offhand remark.
Alex hesitated in her steps and had to force herself to keep moving. "Oh? You talked to Paul?" she asked, trying to keep her voice light.
"Yes, I called him on my way here. He said now wasn’t a good time." She was sneaking glances at her friend and wasn’t happy with what she saw, as Alex’s clear blue eyes suddenly clouded over.
"Oh. He did?" Alex replied, her voice softer. Paul had turned down lunch with Monica because he didn’t want to be around her. Her stomach tightened and she wondered how she would be able to get through lunch herself.
"Alex, did something happen?" Monica wasn’t usually that forward, but Alex was, and the little angel decided to take a page from her book.
"It’s nothing."
Monica bit her tongue to stop herself from saying that it didn’t look like nothing. She pushed the button for the elevator instead, still watching Alex to see if she was going to offer any more information. Unfortunately the agent seemed determined to remain silent, even though she now looked even more distracted than before. She waved to a few co-workers as they passed, and kept her face a study in neutrality, but it did nothing to hide the storm in her eyes.
"Finally!" she announced as the elevator arrived. "Now remember," she said as she stepped aboard, pushing everything to the back of her mind and trying to concentrate on the present moment, "you have to tell me all about your honeymoon. Well… not aaalll about it," she smirked. "After all a girl’s entitled to keep some secrets, but I do want to hear about where Tess took you." She hit the button for the lobby and grinned at Monica, feeling as if she was doing a passable job of hiding her distress.
She wasn’t sure why she felt the need to do so. Monica was her friend, and an angel to boot. Who better to talk to? Then again, Monica was also Paul’s friend, a newlywed, and an angel, and perhaps discussing her sex-life with her was not the way to go. She let out a little sigh and hoped that Monica didn’t notice. She and Paul had gotten into little spats before, but they had always ended before they really began. This one didn’t feel like that at all. For the first time ever, he had hurt her, and the heartache she felt was much more than she expected. It had been an offhanded comment, hadn’t it? Said in anger, right? He didn’t really feel that way, did he? But very old fears wormed their way to the surface and Alex forced them away. She needed to keep talking.
"So, how long have you been on assignment?"
"Just a week, but it feels like longer."
"You were on honeymoon up till then?" she asked with a sly grin, waiting for Monica to blush.
"Yes. Way off in the mountain--"
Monica’s words were cut off as a rumbling suddenly passed through the building, growing louder and stronger like an approaching freight train, until the lights flickered and both she and Alex screamed. The elevator was still going down, but much faster, and Monica clung to the bar along the back wall. Then, they were suddenly screeching to a halt, and thrown against each other and the floor, as a sickening squeal came from above.
The elevator was totally dark and silent and Alex pushed herself into a sitting position and hardly dared to breathe. She could hear shouting from outside, but the doors weren’t opening.
"Thank God, the emergency break must have stopped us," she said, voice barely above a whisper, as if talking louder would somehow make the elevator plummet to the ground. Her whispers were met by silence and she looked over to where Monica had been. "Monica? Monica! Answer me!" She crawled across the floor and her hand brushed against the angel’s side. "C’mon, girl! Wake up!"
She felt for a pulse and felt it strong and steady. Then she moved up Monica’s body and felt the bump at the back of her head. She couldn’t feel any blood and she struggled to slow her racing heart. Just knocked out. She’d come around in a few minutes. Alex leaned against the wall and pulled Monica’s head into her lap and gently patted her cheeks trying to rouse her. It was utterly silent in the elevator once more, but the screams from outside were getting louder and more frantic. This was much more than just a malfunctioning elevator and she prayed that Monica woke up soon. They had to get out… they had to get out fast.
*****
Paul’s pager and phone went off almost simultaneously, and he answered the phone first as he pulled the pager off his belt. "Gatlin, here."
"Paul, there’s been an explosion," the agent instantly recognized the voice of his superior, Assistant Director Walter Peyton.
"What? Walt, what are you talking about?"
"A bomb, Gatlin! There’s been an explosion at the FBI headquarters. I just got out and the place is a mad house! Fire and police are already here, and I’m calling everyone who reports to me. Is Alex with you?" She didn’t actually report to A.D. Peyton, but he knew they were married. Most of the agency knew, even when they pretended not to for professional purposes.
"No." Paul’s heart thudded to a halt. "Last I saw she was headed to her office." His voice was still strong although he wasn’t exactly sure how.
"Paul, you’d better get back here. I haven’t seen anyone from above the tenth floor."
Alex’s office was on the eleventh. He didn’t even bother saying goodbye, just jammed the phone back into his pocket, turned around and started running back the way he had come. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t be true. She had to be all right. She was tough. She was strong. She was probably just rounding people up and helping them. That was her style. He’d arrive and find her ushering out little old ladies and puppy-toting children.
"God, please… please don’t let me lose her this way. Oh, God, Alex… I’m sorry, baby," his thoughts were a repetitive jumble as he darted through the crowd, running against traffic, all along hearing sirens and shouting getting louder and louder. He had seen explosions before. He had seen fires. He had seen panic and destruction, but he still wasn’t prepared to have it hit so close to home, and when he came in view of the steel and concrete building he ground to a halt. Smoke was billowing out of the windows and fire trucks were already parked outside, with emergency personnel running around, and panicked people streaming from the main entrance. The police were already setting up a barricade but Paul ran right through it. It took two police men to grab him and pull him back.
"I’m a federal agent!" he shouted, face hard, eyes boring into them. "My wife is in there! Get the fuck outta my way!"
"Agent, agent, calm down! You can’t go in there! We can’t let anyone but emergency personnel inside!"
"The hell with that! Move! Move out of my way Goddammit!" He tried to break free and push forward again but another officer appeared and helped to restrain him.
"Agent, if you don’t calm down we’re going to have to place you under arrest and transport you from the area!"
Paul nearly growled at them and his eyes were blazing with white hot fury. He made to push forward again, but then a strong hand pressed down on his shoulder and he turned around to see Andrew standing there, looking grim but in control.
"You’re not helping anyone this way," he said, and Paul blinked and then pulled free of the officers and let Andrew lead him away from the barricade.
"Andrew, what are you doing here? Alex. Tell me you haven’t-." He felt even sicker as the full implication of Andrew’s presence occurred to him.
"No, Paul," Andrew kept a firm hand on the agent’s arm as he led him across the street where they could still see the entrance to the building, but also where Paul could sit down for a moment. The angel had never seen his friend so deathly white and it was unnerving, "Though I’m not the only angel of death here today, but I haven’t taken Alex Home, and I would think if that happened today, I would be the one sent for her."
"Thank God," He uttered, his eyes still on the burning building. It would take hours for the fire to be contained and more floors of the agency would give way before that happened. The upper portion of the building was essentially gone and the black clouds of smoke against the blue sky were a gut wrenching contrast, as if evil itself had overtaken the early fall day. He felt as if he were watching some action film on the television than anything that was actually happening and he didn’t even realize Andrew was speaking to him until the angel repeated him name.
"Paul, are you sure Alex was in the building?" The grim expression was still in place. He had been inside that building to escort several people to God. It was not a good situation and it would get worse for those trapped inside.
"Yes…No. Wait. Maybe not," He was standing immediately, feeling a hopeful tinge of relief, "She may have gotten out. She may have gone to lunch with Monica-."
"Monica? What?" Andrew’s hard gaze was now focused entirely on Paul as he felt his heart skip a beat. Suddenly the thought of beating his way through security was not such an terrible idea.
"Yeah. Andrew, she called me on my cell and wanted us to go to lunch with her. I…I declined, but she was going to ask Alex," His voice was gaining more hopefulness, "They could be in one of the restaurants! Monica had said she was ten minutes away…they could have had enough time-." He looked over at the angel and saw that Andrew’s eyes were closed and he could clearly see the pain on the angel’s face, "Tell me she’s answering you, buddy…."
A lump rose to the angel’s throat. At the very least he had expected to feel Monica’s love for him wrapping itself around his heart, but there was nothing and that fact spoke volumes, "I don’t think they’re having lunch, Paul," He heard himself whisper.
"Damnit!" The agent exploded, running a helpless hand through his hair, "They’re both fucking in there, Andrew!"
The angel remained silent, his steely gaze on the burning building as he forced himself to breathe normally. He felt terror filling his heart at the knowledge that his little angelic wife was inside as well. It had been hard enough to know Alex was probably in there, but now he fully understood Paul’s panic and feeling of helplessness. Monica had been through so much the past several months and now that they were actually married his need to protect her was stronger than it had ever been before. He was silently pleading to be sent to her, but so far his prayers were going unanswered.
Chapter 2
"Come on, Monica, wake up," Alex was pleading, but there was still no response and she leaned her head back against the elevator wall. She could smell smoke, though the screams had died down to silence and that in itself was terrifying. She needed to know what was happening. She needed to be off this fucking elevator.
A thought gripped her heart then. Paul. Had he been inside the building? Was he hurt? Her heart flooded with conflicting emotions. She loved him, there was no question about it, but she was still hurt; more hurt than she had ever been before. But the thought of him being trapped or worse…
She blinked back tears, knowing she couldn’t think that way, but the fact that he had refused lunch with Monica to avoid her was driving the knife deeper into her heart. It was hard enough to know that she hadn’t measured up, but to know that he had turned down lunch with Monica to not even try to fix things made it even worse.
"Alex?"
The soft painful murmur from the little angel caused her to force her thoughts to the back of her mind, "Hey, there lady. You okay?"
Monica sat up slowly, wincing at the pain in her head as her hand moved to touch the lump just above her neck "I think so. What happened?"
"Jury is still out on that one, honey," Alex replied, rising to her feet now that the angel was awake, "What I do know is that we have to get off this elevator. Whatever did happen, doesn’t sound good and if the cable melts, we could be in some deep shit," she felt her way to the door and then skimmed her hand across until she found the rows of buttons. Unable to see what was what, she just started pushing, praying that once she found the one to open the door, that it would work.
She must have found the right button as the door gave slightly, but then seemed to stop, "Monica, help me out here…" She waited until the angel had gotten to her feet and they grabbed the door from either end, using all their strength to pry it apart enough that they could squeeze through.
"Holy shit," The agent breathed as she gazed around her. The ceiling of the floor where they had emerged was pretty much non-existent and all that was above them was steel beams and some precariously balanced concrete. It would be a dangerous maze just to get a few feet over to reach the stairwell, "Let’s go. We need to get out of here as quickly as possible."
Monica’s head was pounding, but she managed to force her feet to move over and around the steel beams that blocked their path, stepping over blocks of cinder, the remains of desks and debris. She froze, hearing voices of people but as her eyes darted around the room, she could see no one and a chill ran down her spine at the thought that they were buried underneath the rubble, "Alex…"
"I know. I know. But if we can get out, we can get them help, Monica," Alex’s voice was trembling as she spoke the words. She probably knew some of these people and had the angel not shown up today, she would probably be one of those people. Neither thought was comforting.
She continued working her way to where the door leading to the stairwell would be, but she froze a moment later. The entire side of the building seemed to have collapsed at the door…a door she couldn’t even see through the mounds of rubble that had once been the FBI building.
Tears stung her eyes and she allowed them to fall now at the hopelessness of the situation. She was going to die in here. She was going to die and would never even know if her husband had meant what he said to her. A gentle hand on her shoulder, caused her to turn around, "We’re trapped, Monica…" A small sob escaped her, "Where was Paul when you talked to him? Do you know?"
The angel bit her lip and shook her head, "I’m sorry. He didn’t say," She was blinking back tears of her own at the thought of her friend being in the building as well. The thought of anything happening to either Paul or Alex was completely overwhelming, "Alex, something else happened today, didn’t it?" She had never known her friend to look so defeated and she knew that under normal circumstances, Alex would be searching for another way out, "Aren’t there maybe another set of steps on the other side?" She offered when her friend remained silent.
"Monica, this place is a fucking death trap…we’ll never get to them…"
"We won’t know unless we try," The angel insisted. She managed to ignore the pounding of her head as she started moving to the other side of the room, clamoring over, around and under the obstacles in her way.
Alex watched her briefly, before wiping at the tears on her face. She felt as if she had just had a role reversal with the angel who was now taking what would normally be her lead and she surmised that maybe the difference was a feeling of confidence in knowing what awaited them if they got out. If Andrew was nearby, which she would venture to guess that if he wasn’t, he would not be long in getting there, Monica knew exactly what she was fighting for. Andrew loved her with everything in him and Monica had no doubts about that, where suddenly Alex was doubting everything, even as she was trying not to. In a five minute argument today, her entire life felt as if it had been changed.
She thought she had been measuring up, that she had been meeting the standards that someone else had set; someone she hadn’t even known, but with one cruel sentence, Paul had caused her already fragile confidence in this situation to come crashing down. Maybe it wasn’t fair. He knew nothing of these fears as she had kept them deep in her heart as sharing them with him would have caused him to think about the person she had been trying so hard to get him to forget. Now, if she got out of here alive, she had to face the fact that he had not forgotten and the only alternative to that was if Paul was still inside this building and she wasn’t sure which option was more painful.
"Are you coming?"
Monica’s demanding voice caused her head to jerk up and she almost chuckled, not accustomed to that tone coming from the little angel, but right now, even looking at her friend caused a twinge of pain in her heart. The resemblance really was uncanny and knowing that at one time, Paul had feelings for the angel, only caused her convictions to feel even more tangible.
Alex nodded her head as she hurried to catch up, and together they worked their way across the floor, trying to steel themselves against the weak cries for help that were filling the debris filled air. It took them nearly twenty minutes to make their way across, but the door to the stairwell was clear, and a moment later, Monica was pushing it open and it was only Alex’s strong hand on her arm that kept her from falling. The stairs were gone.
"It was a bomb," The agent muttered, keeping her hand on Monica’s arm as she felt her friend tremble slightly, "Several of them to say the least."
"Who would do such a thing?" The angel turned her anguished eyes to the agent.
"Something of this caliber…a terrorist attack most likely," It felt much better to talk business at the moment and she focused entirely on the situation, "They could have hit other agencies as well, maybe to shut us all down as they are planning something on a greater scale. Everyone who got out will be heading to the backup site. That building is kept pretty low key and hopefully wasn’t hit."
Monica blinked back tears, understanding all too well. She had seen hatred between countries before though never anything of this magnitude and the death and destruction broke her heart and would be something she would never understand.
"We can’t do anything else. We just have to wait and hope they get things under control enough to find us-."
Monica’s eyes gazed up at the wall, focusing on a First Aid kit and she moved to it and yanked it from the wall, "There is something we can do. There are people here who need help, Alex."
Alex nodded her agreement before she managed a smile, "So is this off the record or are you officially working now?"
Monica gave her head a rueful shake, "Off the record as between you and me, I think this is another one of those times where I was somewhere God didn’t necessarily intend me to be. I think I’m becoming famous or rather infamous for those moments," A small smile crossed her face as she looked into Alex’s eyes, "But again, between us girls, if this had to happen today, I’m very glad to be here."
She turned to go back the way they’d come and together, they slowly made their way back to where they had heard voices coming from under the rubble. A steel beam blocked the way and they had to crawl under it, first Alex, then Monica. Alex had regained some of her determination now that she had a sense of purpose, and she rushed forward. Monica came through the small opening and looked over at the pile of debris, she froze. He was standing there in his white suit and pale grey tie, sad expression on his face, and hands clenched.
"Adam?" she stepped towards him as Alex stared at her, wondering who she was talking to.
He turned to her, surprised at hearing his name. "Monica, what are you doing here?"
"I… I’m here with my friend," she said, gesturing to Alex who was looking at her as if she was crazy. She realized that Alex couldn’t see him, and then quickly looked back at Adam. His back had stiffened and his face took on an even more troubled look. "Adam… no…" Monica stepped in between the angel only she could see and her friend.
"Monica, who are you talking to?" Alex finally asked.
"I don’t have a say in what happens," Adam said grimly.
"No! You can’t!"
"I won’t be the one to take her if it happens," he replied.
Monica immediately knew who would be. "Adam, where is he? Is he here? Is he in this building?" She had been so frantic earlier that she hadn’t even thought to try and talk to her husband, but now the need was almost overwhelming.
"Monica!" Alex was poking her and staring at the space in front of the Irish angel.
She glanced at Alex quickly. "Another angel," she said softly. "An angel like Andrew." She didn’t need to specify. The young woman already knew what Andrew’s primary assignments consisted of.
"I have to go," Adam’s voice brought Monica’s attention back to him, and she cast her eyes to the now ominously silent jumble of concrete and steel. Her tearful eyes met his in question. "I’m sorry, Monica," he answered.
She nodded and took a step back as Adam faced the rubble again and extended his hand. Slowly, two people, shadowy and barely visible, emerged, and as they touched Adam’s hands they became more solid. He smiled at each of them, trying to ease their fear and confusion, and they seemed to realize what he was there to do. Moments later, he led them both away and disappeared into a warm, welcoming tunnel of light.
Monica swiped at the tears on her face in frustration and sorrow. She had hoped to at least make some sort of difference, but now that opportunity was gone. Rarely had she felt so helpless, and she longed to have Andrew wrap her up in his arms. Knowing that he was near and yet still unable to be with her left her heart aching. Did he know where she was? The thought suddenly occurred to her that if he did, he was probably out of his mind with worry, and she fought to slow her breathing down and close her eyes.
"I’m all right, Andrew," she sent the words out to his heart. "I’m all right and I love you."
Almost instantly she felt his frantic heart answering hers, and the rest of their communication was without words. He was there. He was looking for a way to help. And Paul was with him. When at last she opened her eyes again she spun around, in a slow circle, wondering where Alex had gone. She spotted her a few paces away, sitting on the floor with her knees tucked up to her chest.
"Alex? Alex, what’s wrong?" she asked as she approached her.
The woman looked over at where Adam had stood, and answered slowly, "You were telling him no. Did he come here for me? For Paul?" She looked up at the angel before her. "Am I going to die here?"
Monica reached out to grab Alex’s hands. "No. You’re not going to die," She insisted strongly, "and Paul is safe. He’s outside, and Andrew is with him, and they’re doing everything they can to get to us."
"Paul’s outside?" she felt a weight lifted from her chest yet at the same time her relief was tempered with fear. "He’s trying to help us?"
"Of course he’s trying to help us," Monica was astonished to hear such words. "Alex, what happened? Did you two fight? What is it?" Alex shook her head, but Monica stared at her. "We have nothing but time, Alex. And I have no one left to help but you."
"There’s nothing you can do…" She whispered, feeling the tears brimming in her eyes unbidden and she shook her head, angry at their presence.
"I can listen," The angel argued gently, "I love you and Paul…you’re my family, Andrew’s family…please, I want to help."
Alex looked at her, then turned her head away and closed her eyes, hearing her husband’s insinuations in her mind once more. "Yeah," She uttered, tears escaping, "We had a fight and it was a doozy let me tell you…"
Monica pulled up a piece of floor in front of her friend, keeping her hands firmly in her own, "About what?"
She looked up at what was once the ceiling, trying to will the tears to stop, "I volunteered for a project that he wasn’t too happy with. There is danger involved and I didn’t confer with him first. I didn’t think I had to. Should I have?" She looked at Monica questioningly
"Well. My decisions come from above, Alex, but if there was one I had to make, and it involved the risk of my getting hurt…." She thought about it harder, trying to decide what she would do, "If it had to be an instant decision, that had to be acted on right then and there…I would just choose and Andrew would trust me with that choice. But if it was something that would not happen immediately, I think I would talk to him about it. He loves me and I think he would support me, but it isn’t just he and I anymore…it’s us."
Alex nodded her head slowly, "Yeah, well, maybe if Paul had put it that way, he wouldn’t have made me feel so fucking incompetent. But he was relatively pissed off about the situation and started talking about how he had given up Witness Protection when we got married and insinuating that I was selfish…and about how…" She shook her head, the hurt deeply visible in her eyes. She felt Monica squeeze her hands and her throat began to close, "And about how…I hadn’t lived up to his expectations as a wife…"
Monica felt more than startled by this revelation, "He said that?"
"He insinuated it. He insinuated that I had been absent in the bedroom, but it isn’t true! It isn’t fucking true!" Anger blazed in her eyes, even as a sob escaped her, "I’m battling a goddamn ghost, Monica! I know I’ve been there, and if he is suddenly complaining, it’s because I can’t live up to the expectations SHE set!"
The angel suddenly felt as if she were barely keeping up with the conversation. She was having trouble imagining Paul saying such a thing, knowing how much he loved Alex, but Alex wasn’t one to get this worked up over nothing, "Lauren?" She heard herself asking, now realizing who her friend was referring to.
"Yes, Lauren," The name was bitter on her tongue, "He’s never gotten over her and he obviously settled for me, after he couldn’t get you, as you looked so much like her. It all makes sense now. The way he looks after you, the way he never criticizes you…you remind him of her."
Monica suddenly felt as if she had just been punched. Paul was her friend. Certainly, his part of that friendship wasn’t just based on the fact that in some small way, she reminded him of Lauren, but the thoughts Alex had just placed in her head made her nothing short of queasy, "Alex…"
"Don’t you see it, Monica? Everytime he’s been able to save you, it was making up for not being able to save her," She shook her head, "Even when we got together he was after the son of a bitch who had killed her. He’s never let her go…"
"And everytime he sees me…" Her voice trailed off, not wanting to think that she had helped keep Lauren’s memory in the forefront, "No," She shook her head, "You’re wrong. You’re wrong, Alex."
"Am I?" She asked tearfully, looking at the angel and seeing the pain in her dark eyes, "Look at all the shit he gave Andrew when your relationship changed. It’s not your fault, but it is still the truth. I wasn’t good enough to make him forget her and she is the standard to which I am measured. I don’t stand a fucking chance."
Monica lowered her head, fighting tears and not wanting to think about the things Alex had said, but yet she couldn’t help it. She had been at the farm for months with them and everything between the two of them had seemed fine. But now, looking back, she started thinking of little things that suddenly didn’t feel right, like the night she had taken the pills. Paul had completely overreacted then and each time he had questioned Andrew about his intentions…it all suddenly felt wrong and completely overwhelming. The need to see and speak to her husband was growing stronger by the minute. Andrew could reassure her that Alex was wrong, that these thoughts she was having were completely irrational.
She couldn’t bear any other possibility.
*****
"Monica is all right," Andrew uttered aloud just seconds after hearing her words to his heart. She hadn’t sounded panicked; maybe just a little afraid and looking at the building that was still engulfed in flames, she had every reason to feel that. He just wished he could get to her. That he could hold her and kiss her and tell her how much he loved her.
"You heard from her?" Paul asked, his eyes shooting to the angel, "Alex. Did she say anything…"
"No, but she didn’t sound frantic, so if they are together…" He had never even considered the fact that they might not be, but for all they knew, his wife had been on her way to Alex’s office when the building had exploded.
The agent managed to find some shred of relief in that fact, "I need to try to find out what is going on; what happened. If they ever get those flames out, they’ll need volunteers for a rescue effort," His eyes were drawn across the street and he was suddenly moving, leaving Andrew no choice but to follow him, "Walt!"
The older man turned around, his expression grim at the sight of Paul, "Paul, have you found Alex?"
"No. I think she is still inside. What the hell happened? Do we know?" He needed to ask questions. He needed to be doing something other than thinking of what would happen if she died and he never got the chance to apologize for being the biggest dickhead on the planet.
"Three bomb minimally. The CIA was hit as well and no one has any fucking idea who is behind it at this point," He ran a hand through his graying hair, feeling as if he had aged twenty years in the last hour, "We’ve lost hundreds of people, Paul. No one above the tenth floor has been seen or heard from…I hope Alex wasn’t in her office, Paul."
"She wasn’t," Paul stated firmly, knowing at the very least that his wife was alive simply because Andrew had not been sent for her, "What about a rescue effort?"
"They’re signing up volunteers to be on standby once they feel that they have things stabilized enough which means getting the fire out." Walter knew if the emergency personnel couldn’t do that soon, there would be little need for many volunteers as finding people alive would be a long-shot, but he wasn’t about to voice that with Paul’s wife inside the building.
"I’m not leaving without her. Where do I sign up?"
Walter pointed to where a large RV-type vehicle was parked across the street. It had all the official markings on it from the ATF, and men and women swarmed around it, some in ATF jackets, but even more dressed as he was, FBI agents frantic to do something to help.
"Thanks Walt. Let me know if you hear anything else. Anything."
"You know I will." He patted Paul on the back, knowing that it was a hollow gesture but not able to think of any other way to convey how sorry he was and how much he hoped that the younger agent was right about his wife not being in her office.
"C’mon, Andrew," Paul jerked his head towards the large vehicle. As they walked towards it and out of Walter’s earshot, he said, "Anything else? Has she said anything else? Can’t you just ask Him to let you go to her?"
"It doesn’t work that way, Paul," Andrew replied, and then a moment later he continued, "But I did ask him. The answer was not yet."
"Not yet… not yet? But that’s good then, right? That means that he’ll send you in eventually, right?" His disappointment was changed to hope, but almost immediately he met Andrew’s green eyes and felt his stomach lurch. "No. Not to take Alex…" he shook his head in denial.
"I don’t know. I wish I did, but I just don’t."
"Well I don’t give a fuck whether or not you know. You are not going to take my wife! Do you hear me? I’ll fucking kill you!" his words made no sense and he knew it, but he couldn’t contain himself. "I’ll stop you. I don’t care what I have to do… I’ll do it. You can’t have her!"
Paul’s outburst was loud enough that on any other day it would have drawn a crowd, but at the moment no one even spared him a glance as they ran past. Andrew’s strong hand on his arm finally silenced him, but his eyes continued to plead.
"If it happens Paul, I won’t have a choice."
The agent looked up at the building, smoke spiraling up into the sky, orange flames dimly visible through it. He swallowed hard and wouldn’t look at Andrew’s face again. "I know." He tilted his head up to the sky. It was clear blue, but now strands of smoke snaked their way across it. "God… please… please don’t take her. Not today… please." He closed his eyes for a moment before clenching his jaw and continuing on to the ATF vehicle.
The line to sign up was long, and filled with people who knew him. They took one look at him and then quickly scanned the area before looking back with sympathy written on their faces. If Alex wasn’t with him, then they knew where she was. Paul knew he was probably supposed to be doing something else, something official. His pager kept going off, but he just read the messages and deleted them without responding. His phone rang and every time he answered it hopefully, thinking that it could be Alex. It never was, and he always quickly hung up.
The activity around the site continued to increase and Paul and Andrew watched it all from behind the police barricade. More fire trucks arrived, and heavily-suited firefighters ran into the building, oxygen tanks in place, axes in their hands. Victims were brought out one and two at a time to waiting ambulances which seemed to be coming and going more like buses on a grim schedule. Paul had stopped trying to crane his neck to see each person who emerged from the wreckage. He knew they weren’t Alex and she was the only person he wanted to see. If that made him a selfish bastard it was a title he was willing to wear.
"Why don’t we move across the street and sit down," Andrew finally said. It was disturbing to watch his friend fixated on a building that was falling down a little bit at a time.
They didn’t go far, and the crush of people kept them from moving very fast, but on the curb between two fire trucks they found a slice of empty pavement. The dust from the explosions was beginning to settle, leaving a grimy film on the bright red trucks, and turning Paul’s hair salt-and-pepper grey. He ran his hands through it and brought them down filthy, then swore as he rubbed them against his pants and pressed them into his forehead.
"I know that Monica is up there too… and you know I love her, but I can’t help think that God will pull her through, the same way he pulled her through when she was shot. But Alex… she’s just got to be okay… she’s got to be… I just want to tell her I love her, that’s all I want… Damnit!" he was disgusted to feel his throat growing tight, and viciously rubbed the heels of his hands against his temples again.
"Paul, she knows that. You’ve told her hundreds of times…. Probably thousands."
"You don’t understand… we fought… we fought today. That’s why I wouldn’t go to lunch. Damnit! If I wasn’t such a bastard I would have been in there with them. I’d be in there right now, able to see them, able to hold her… able to tell her how sorry I am."
Andrew wanted to tell him that he was sure she knew that, but the words would have no meaning coming from him. Paul needed to hear them from Alex, and that was something he couldn’t help with at the moment.
Chapter 3
"The smoke is getting worse," Monica said, fear creeping into her voice. She had been able to remain strong so far, but the longer they remained trapped, as the shouts and screams from below gradually faded, the more her confidence waned.
"It’s coming from below," Alex explained. "With the damn windows blown out up here it’s coming straight up and in."
"Do you think we could get to the windows and signal down that we’re here?"
"No!" Alex’s head shot up from its position against her knees. "You could get sucked out the window. We’re safer right where we are."
"I’m sure they’ll get the fire under control soon," Monica assured her, feeling helpless to comfort her friend, and unaccountably guilty about the things the woman had said. "And then just think, Andrew and Paul will probably come bursting in here right after the firemen. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they pushed them out of the way." She watched as Alex turned away and stared at the blocked stairwell.
"Until this morning I would have believed that," she muttered.
"It’s the truth. Paul loves you."
Alex thought about all of the loving memories she had shared with him, but she still shrugged. "Yeah… I guess he does… but not as much as I love him… not as much as he loved her." Her voice grew soft, "I always wondered… always… but I was afraid to ask. I didn’t want to remind him. Why did I have to volunteer this morning? Why did I do that? If I hadn’t then we never would have fought, and I would still be believing that he loved me more than anything… the way Andrew loves you."
The angel felt her face flush, another wave of inexplicable guilt washing over her. She gathered her thoughts about her and dug down into her heart, looking for the right words to say.
"You keep saying that he doesn’t love you they way he loved Lauren," she said, hating the way Alex flinched at the sound of the dead woman’s name, "and I’m sure he doesn’t." That got the agent’s attention as she turned hurt-filled eyes towards Monica. "Every love is different… but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you with everything that he is. I didn’t hear your argument. I don’t know exactly what he said. But Alex, I’ve seen the way he looks at you." She believed every word she was saying, and yet prickling doubts lingered and she prayed that Alex couldn’t see them. The woman needed hope and peace right now, and she was the only one able to give it.
"I want to believe you, Monica," Alex whispered as she rubbed angrily at her teary eyes, "but right now all I can feel is the hurt." She realized that trying to contain her tears was useless and let them fall although she stared off into the middle distance, refusing to look at Monica and let her see how vulnerable she truly felt. "I keep praying that I’ll be able to see him again and hug him again… but then a tiny part of me wonders if he’ll really be hugging me… and I never felt that way before. I never let myself think about it… but now I can’t stop."
"He’ll prove it you, Alex, just as soon as we get out of here-."
It started off as a creaking sound, causing both of their heads to turn upwards at the sickening sound, but gradually it grew louder, and they both screamed as the rubble over their heads began to collapse on top of them. Monica barely heard Alex’s cry to get down and to cover her head, but the angel’s eyes seemed transfixed on what was happening around her as she realized the unbearable creaking was coming from a steel structure which was now scraping sickeningly against concrete as it fell downward and towards them.
She tried to move out of the way, ignoring the pain from the constant rain of debris and plaster, but a split second later, she cried out as the steel beam caught her midsection and pain exploded through her body as she struggled to breathe. The pain, combined with her panic at not being able to move caused her breaths to come in short anguished gasps as she closed her eyes, trying to ward off the agony she was suddenly feeling.
The dust began to settle and the angel’s eyes turned to Alex, her already racing heart speeding up even more. Her friend had been caught on her stomach and the same beam that trapped Monica, now held Alex as well, having caught her across her shoulders. Alex didn’t appear to be moving.
"Alex!" She cried out her name, but there was no response. Monica struggled to move, trying to fight her way out from under the beam, despite the searing pain such action caused. Her breath caught and she began to cough from the dust and smoke that had invaded her lungs, "Alex!" She was barely able to get the word out and there was still no reply.
Her breathing came faster, each one a gasp and she began to feel lightheaded as she spoke in a forced whisper, "Father, please….help…"
*****
Andrew continued to pace in front of the curb where Paul still sat, staring at the FBI building. He hadn’t heard anything else from Monica and he was trying to find peace in that fact, but it only seemed to make him feel more nervous. He had missed her terribly the past week and now to know she was trapped inside a burning building that at anytime could collapse was nearly more than he could stand.
"You and Alex had had a disagreement?" He said finally, trying to distract himself from his own worries.
"No, not a disagreement. A fight. A horrible, stupid, uncalled for fight," Paul replied bitterly, shaking his head, "Why, do you ask? Because I’m a fucking asshole who says things before he thinks about them, just like always. God, she was so hurt today, Andrew and now she is in there, thinking God knows what about me, about us and I’m out here, not knowing if she is going to live or die or if I’m ever going to get the chance to tell her how sorry I am." He brought his fist down hard against his thigh, "I didn’t even fucking mean it! Nothing could be further from the truth!"
"What the hell did you say to her, Paul?" His eyes narrowed slightly. He cared about Alex; loved her as a friend, and the thought of Paul saying something untrue just to hurt her was not going over well with him.
He rested his head in his hands, "I told her she would rather stay at work to be praised by all the other guys than be with me…in the bedroom," He looked up and saw the hard look Andrew was giving him, "I know! Don’t you think I know?"
Andrew shook his head, unable to imagine saying anything so cruel to Monica, even in anger, but he supposed that was the difference between humans and angels, "And then you let her walk away?" He almost couldn’t believe what it was Paul was saying, though he knew it wasn’t in his place to judge.
"I let her walk away and then turned down lunch with she and Monica, figuring Monica could calm her down. I was a fucking coward. I should have told Monica to meet me outside and should have called Alex to come down so we could talk."
"You were going to use Monica to try to fix your mistake," His own concern was sparking his anger at what he was hearing.
"I’m not proud of it," Paul muttered, looking up to the building again, "At least you know she is going to come through this as she’s an angel-."
"That fact certainly didn’t help her when she was raped," Andrew snapped, his green eyes flaring as he looked at Paul. "I appreciate the fact that you feel lousy about fighting with Alex, and I can sympathize that you are fearing for her life, as I am as well, but don’t think that I’m not worried about Monica despite the fact that she is an angel. She is in human form at the moment, Paul, and can feel every bit as much pain as Alex can and just like the thought of Alex hurting tears you apart, the thought of Monica hurting does the same thing to me. She’s been through enough lately and maybe had you not been so fucking stubborn and hot headed, neither one of them would be inside that building at the moment!"
Paul looked stunned for a moment, and a sharp retort was on the tip of his tongue, before he saw Andrew in a light he had not considered before. His friend was an angel, yes, but now he was a husband and he understood completely what it felt like to be connected to another and to feel helpless to be able to do anything. Angel or no, Andrew had promised to love, honor and cherish and Paul surmised sadly that the angel had taken his vows much more seriously, at least today, "Andrew, I-."
But the angel held up his hand to stop Paul’s words, "I need a few minutes…just don’t say anything else right now." He turned away and walked towards the end of the block, trying to curb his temper. He hadn’t meant to blow up like that, but using Monica’s angelic status to make himself feel better about the mistakes he had made did not sit well with him.
A deafening noise caused his head to jerk up, his focus on the building, and a lump rose to his throat as he watched more of it collapse in a dark cloud of smoke. Monica and Alex were in there somewhere; in a building that was slowly but surely collapsing in on itself and his jaw tightened to try to keep his emotions in check.
A second later, he felt pain, fear and desperation wrapping itself around his heart and instantly he silently cried out to God to just allow him a few minutes, and his prayers were answered when he vanished from the sidewalk.
A cloud of smoke both from the fire and from the collapse hung in the air, in the room that was now nothing more than piles of rubble and steel, but it only took him a moment to find her. His heart nearly stopped when he saw she was trapped and hurt, but he forced himself to move when he saw her panic. Monica was calling out to Alex constantly, her voice choked, even as she struggled in vain to free herself. Her dark eyes were wild with pain and the fight she was putting forth to reach her friend, along with the weight of the beam, was stealing her breath.
He knelt at her head, placing his hands tenderly against her face, "Angel, calm down. Just calm down, sweetheart."
Monica closed her eyes at the sound of his voice and feeling of his touch as she stopped her struggle. Tears escaped her eyes, leaving tracks through the layer of dust on her face, "Andrew…please…you’re not…" She didn’t want to question him. She tried never to question him where his job came into play, but this was Alex and she wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to let her friend go.
"No," He whispered to her, stroking her cheek soothingly, "She’s alive, Monica, just not conscious. I needed to see you, if only for a minute."
A small sob escaped her, wanting so to be wrapped up in the safety of his arms, and she tried once more to move the beam that felt as if it were cutting into her, but he reached for her hands to stop her.
"No baby, you’re going to make it worse. Just be still and rest, angel. I’m praying that help will be coming soon."
"Andrew…" She finally opened her teary eyes as she clutched his hands tightly against the pain she was feeling, "Please…don’t leave me…I’m scared…I need you…"
"Oh Monica, God knows, I don’t want to, but I need to be with Paul. The same way you need to stay with Alex." It hurt more than any pain he had ever known to leave her now and he felt like the line between being angels and being a couple was suddenly impossibly thin, "I love you so much, angel, and you are doing just fine."
More tears fell as she nodded slightly and her voice caught on a sob, "I love you too…I love you too…"
"God is with you, sweetheart, and I’m holding you right here," he placed their joined hands over his heart, as he blinked back tears.
There was so much she needed to tell him, to talk to him about, but instead she swallowed hard against the pain and managed a small smile, knowing how hard this was for him, "I’ll see you soon."
His heart ached at the courage she was trying to show him, knowing it was more for his benefit, though he hoped she could hang onto the feeling, "You will, baby." Leaning over, he brushed her lips tenderly before kissing her forehead, knowing if he didn’t leave now, he never would. A second later, he was gone.
*****
Paul saw more of the building collapse and he was on his feet an instant later and frantically looking around for Andrew. The angel was nowhere to be seen, and the implications of that hit him like a blow to the gut. He started running towards the building, searching for someone, anyone who could tell him what was going on. Firefighters were running out of the building and more emergency crews were moving in. He didn’t dare get in their way, but he had to know what had happened.
He saw one of the ATF officers on a walkie-talkie, and as soon as the man but it back in his belt he approached him. He put on his most professional face, trying to act as if his motive wasn’t purely personal, but he didn’t know how much showed through his eyes.
"Agent Gatlin here," he introduced himself as he thrust his hand forward. "I still have some agents inside. Can you tell me what just happened? Why are the firemen coming out?"
"Roger O’Meara. Sorry about your people, Gatlin. Near as we can tell there was another collapse, probably just part of a floor. The heat from the fires is weakening the whole structure. We had to pull the firemen back until we can make sure it’s safe for them to continue."
"But what about the people still trapped inside?" Paul’s eyes frantically moved back to the building, wondering what floor Alex and Monica were on. Wondering where Andrew had gone.
"I’m sorry," the man truly did look upset to be telling him bad news. "We can’t risk anymore lives. Hopefully we’ll get the all clear again soon."
Paul wanted to grab the man and shake him. He wanted to shout out every swear he knew and a few he had invented. His hands tightened into fists and he looked back at the building, unable to look the man in the face.
"Do you know how close they were to getting the fire out? Do you know how high they’ve managed to search?"
"Fire’s nearly under control. They’ve had people up to the sixth floor. There’s a blockage on the stairs past that point. They need to bring in some heavier equipment and they can’t do that until the fire’s completely out."
Again, Paul struggled to hold his feelings in. "Well thanks for your time. I won’t hold you up but I may search you out again."
"Not a problem," O’Meara said sincerely. "I know how you must be feeling."
He knew? He didn’t know anything! Did he have a wife trapped inside? Did he have one of his best friends trapped inside? Did he have guilt and rage and grief rushing through him? Paul felt himself beginning to shake and he nodded his thanks and quickly walked away. As he turned back to the fire trucks he saw Andrew standing between them again and ran over to him, practically pushing other people out of his way.
"Andrew! Where have you been? There was another collapse--"
"I know."
"You know?" Paul stammered. "Andrew… tell me you didn’t…" he was shaking his head and for the first time he felt tears pushing forward.
"I heard Monica and I asked to be sent to her."
"God let you go? You saw her? Did you see Alex? Why didn’t you get them out?"
"I was allowed to go because Monica was in so much pain and was hurting herself more because of her panic." Andrew replied tightly, trying to remember that Paul hadn’t planned any of what had happened. He was upset too. He certainly hadn’t wanted Monica to get hurt.
Paul felt his stomach knotting up and his voice dropped. "She’s hurt?"
"Yes. A steel beam fell on top of her… and Alex." He knew the pain his words would cause Paul, and as angry as he was he still hated to cause his friend pain.
Feeling suddenly lightheaded, Paul closed his eyes and sank to the curb. "They’re both hurt? Did you talk to them?" he asked slowly.
"I talked to Monica. Alex was unconscious and she was going crazy trying to get to her."
Paul could well imagine what the little angel must have been doing and he winced thinking about it. "Alex… she’s not…" his eyes were pleading for sympathy he knew he didn’t deserve.
"I don’t know for sure, but if they get up to them soon I think she’ll be fine. I don’t know the extent of her injuries," he swallowed hard, "or Monica’s."
"I’m sorry, Andrew," he shrugged helplessly, "I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what else to do."
"There’s nothing you can do. I know you never expected any of this to happen. Maybe in some way it will make you think the next time you speak in anger," his voice held sadness.
"I swear to you, Andrew, I will never let Alex out of my sight again without telling her how much I love her." He glanced at the FBI building and saw that the firefighters were heading back inside, and some of them were lugging equipment and ladders between them. His thoughts went out to God once again, pleading for another chance to make things right. The answer came in the form of an approaching ATF officer.
"You Gatlin?" he asked.
"Yeah," he stood up as he answered.
"You two signed up to search the place." He pointed his thumb over his finger at the ATF vehicle. "Go get suited up. They’re just about ready to send in the first group and your A.D. told us you wanted to go in a.s.a.p."
Andrew was at his side a second later and they shared a look before heading straight to the van. Whatever their current differences they would be put aside until this was all over and Monica and Alex were safe and sound.
"Alex?" Monica called out to her friend for what must have been the hundredth time and she was still answered with silence. She had ceased her struggle to free herself after Andrew had calmed her, but now the pain was so great she was focusing much of her waning energy on staying conscious. To slip into oblivion would be a welcome change at the moment, but she refused to allow herself to give into it. Alex’s silence was terrifying.
She wanted Andrew back. She had felt stronger when he was here, when she had been able to feel his warm and gentle hands against her face but now that he had gone, she missed him more than she had before he had appeared to her. She could feel his love for her speaking to her heart, but it only further hurt to not be able to have him there physically.
A soft moan from Alex, caused her eyes to widen, "Alex? Can you hear me? Alex, please?"
"Monica?" It took nearly all her energy to say the word as the agent’s eyes slowly opened and Monica could immediately see a mirror image of the pain that clouded them.
"Don’t try to move," The angel’s voice was barely a whisper as gasping for the breath it took to speak caused pain to course through her.
"I don’t think that is even an option," Alex lamented, trying to joke, despite the tears that were in her eyes. The pain was excruciating and even with all her training, she had no idea of how to contain it, so she just forced herself to take as slow of breathes as possible to keep herself calm. From her position on her stomach, she was trying to gauge the damage, but the pain was so severe she wasn’t sure if anything was broken or not as she couldn’t localize it to one particular area. She felt a warm flow around her face and surmised that she had managed to crack her head open when the beam had hit them. She ventured a glance over at her friend and winced, "Oh Jesus…Monica…"
"I’m all right," She lied, but the last thing she wanted was Alex worrying about her, "They’re going to find us, Alex."
The agent closed her eyes against the flurry of emotions that statement caused. Being found meant facing Paul and she wasn’t sure she was ready to do that yet. "Monica, about earlier…" Her voice trailed off as she started to get dizzy and the need to sleep became more intense, "Those things I said…I shouldn’t have…I should have kept them to myself…"
"No Alex…you were right and I needed to know," Monica managed to say, though the very thought of the things Alex had pointed out caused hurt and guilt to flow through her, "I’ll find a way to fix it, Alex…I’ll stay away…do you suppose that might help? Until things got better?" Not getting a response, she glanced over and her heart skipped a beat as she noticed the blood coming from her friend’s head and seeing that now Alex was unconscious once again, "Alex? Alex? You have to stay awake! Alex?" It was all she could do keep from trying to free herself once more and instead she found herself whispering, "Andrew, please…hurry."
*****
It was three hours before the last block of concrete was removed just far enough away from the doorway for the emergency personnel along with Paul and Andrew, to be able to slip into the room on the seventh floor. Andrew’s body ached but it didn’t hold a candle to the ache in his heart. Even from the other side of the pile of rubble, he had just been able to make out Monica’s tearful but constant calls to Alex. His wife’s voice was weak and filled with pain and even now as he made his way to her, she continued to try to rouse her friend.
"Angel," He spoke her name softly as Paul made his way to Alex and watched as she turned exhausted, pain-filled eyes to him as she barely managed to contain the sobs that begged to emerge at finally having him here.
"I…I tried to keep her awake, Andrew…I tried…"
Her pain was clouding her perception and he quickly took her hand, knowing she needed someone to hold onto, "Shhh. You did just fine, Monica. You did all you could, angel; more than anyone could expect of you." The trust he saw in her eyes nearly took his breath away as she gave a tiny nod, "How are you doing, sweetheart?"
"I’m okay," She whispered, knowing it wasn’t really all that truthful. Her eyes closed briefly before she fought her way back, "You’re not leaving again, are you?"
"No, baby. I’m not leaving," He could only imagine the damage that had potentially been done to her body and the possibilities running through his mind terrified him, "Hang on for me, okay?"
"Always," she gave his hand a weak squeeze and his heart clenched once more at her love and determined spirit.
"Alex? Come on, baby…please wake up. I have things to tell you, sweetheart," Paul’s hand moved to her head and he felt the stickiness of blood and his jaw tensed to hold back a flood of emotions.
She was so still it terrified him and he felt for her pulse once more, relieved to find it still steady. He glanced up at the firemen, seeing them talking softly to one another, shooting occasional glances to the beam and its prisoners, obviously trying to find the best way to move it. The agent’s patience was nearly to its breaking point. He wanted his wife free and medically treated. He wanted the same for Monica. He wanted Alex to open her eyes, "Hey! Could you guys knock off the huddle and get this fucking beam off of them?"
His outburst shattered the quiet in the area, causing Monica to jump and she immediately bit back a cry at the pain the movement had caused her. For the second time in his existence, Andrew wanted to punch the agent, but he settled on a low growl, "Paul…."
"We’re waiting for the paramedics to arrive," One of the men explained, "They’re going to need medical attention immediately."
"Well, get them up here…" Paul’s tone was threatening, yet much softer as he shot an apologetic look to the little angel.
It only took a few more moments before the paramedics began to arrive and assess the situation before the rescue crew arranged themselves along the beam. It took six men to lift what one small angel had attempted to move and a cry of pain escaped her as the pressure against her abdomen was alleviated.
Paul did his best to stay out of the way as Alex’s vitals were checked and she was strapped onto a backboard in the event of a neck or spine injury. He kept going over all the things he longed to tell her if only she would wake up. But even now that the beam had been lifted, her beautiful blue eyes remained closed and Paul couldn’t help but wonder how much more weight was still lying on her shoulders after their argument that morning.
As she was strapped in, he brought his hand to her cheek, trying to tenderly wipe away some of the dust, "I love you, baby," He whispered hoarsely, "I love you so much and we will straighten this out. I promise."
"She’s bleeding out!" The cry from the paramedic caused Paul to look up sharply and he felt even sicker at the sight of the blood that was spreading slowly across Monica’s blouse. The little angel’s eyes had gone from surprise to fear in a matter of seconds, much like a child who didn’t realize how badly they were hurt until they saw blood appear. Paul remembered Andrew’s words about Monica hurting herself more trying to get to Alex and as the guilt hit him from every side, he prayed that her struggle had not caused the beam to embed itself into her.
"A-Andrew…" Monica’s voice trembled, seeing the blood as the paramedics worked to stop its flow. She could feel acute pain and her head was growing extremely lighter but she struggled to remain awake. She didn’t want to leave him even long enough to lose consciousness.
"Monica, don’t move, baby. Don’t look," Andrew felt his own hands beginning to shake and he forced himself not to move his eyes from her face.
The paramedics were shouting to each other and working desperately to stop the bleeding. It looked as though the beam had cut into her when it landed and was actually the only thing keeping pressure on the wound. If she had somehow managed to move it she would have bled to death long before help arrived.
Monica suddenly let out an agonized scream as the sensation returned full force and she was able to feel everything they were doing to her. Andrew had both hands on her face and was forcing her to look into his eyes.
"Angel, look in my eyes, c’mon listen to my voice," he pleaded as she tried to wrench her head free. The three men holding her down were the only things keeping her from thrashing around in a frenzied effort to free herself from the pain.
"For God’s sake, give her something!" Paul shouted above the din, horrified by what he was seeing. His hand tightened around Alex’s realizing that it could just as easily have been her.
Working with practiced steadiness, the paramedics ignored both Monica’s scream and Paul’s shouting. They had already started giving her blood to replace what she had lost and they were packing the wound as tightly as they could. A local anesthetic had been injected but unfortunately not soon enough to take care of all the pain.
"Andrew… please… Alex… is she all right? Andrew… what do you want for breakfast? Are we going swimming again? Oh… please… Andrew don’t leave me… don’t let me go…" the loss of blood was beginning to affect her even more, as consciousness was pulled from her a bit at a time while she strained to hold her husband’s gaze. "Andrew… what’s… what’s happening?"
He was brushing her tears away as fast as they came, but finding it a difficult job to keep up with. "Shh… Monica… be still… you’re going to be all right… people are helping you."
"Hurts," her voice had lowered and her eyes were beginning to dim.
"I know…" he bent forward and kissed her on the lips, tenderly, a breath from his soul to hers. "You can close your eyes, baby. I’m not leaving."
"I love you," was the last thing she whispered as her pain-filled eyes finally slid shut.
"We need to give her some oxygen," one of the paramedics gently pushed Andrew out of the way as he leaned in to place the mask over her face, a gentle hiss from the steel container following soon after.
"All right, we’re ready to move. There aren’t any more survivors up here. Let’s get out of here." The lead medic was giving the orders and Monica and Alex were careful lifted up by men who had done it a thousand times before and still had never seen anything to compare with what they were currently witnessing.
Andrew was forced to release Monica’s hand, and he saw that Paul had let go of Alex as well. They were standing forlornly, watching as their wives were rushed as quickly as possible to the stairs. A look passed between them and they fell into step together as they immediately followed after the stretchers.
Chapter 4
The trip down the rubble-strewn stairs seemed to take forever, and Andrew could feel every jolt even if Monica was now unaware of them. As they rushed from the building and through the crowd to the line of ambulances he never took his eyes from her face. Paul was similarly engaged and he didn’t notice Walt’s approach until the man was right next to him.
"You found her. My God, what happened to her?" he gritted his teeth at his own insensitivity, but the dried blood around her face made a shocking picture.
"She was pinned on one of the upper floors," Paul managed to get out through his clenched jaw, and then he was climbing in the ambulance after her.
"Call me, Gatlin. Whatever you need. Anything."
"Thank you sir," he replied, but his gaze was already fixed on Alex’s still face and Walt wasn’t sure if he would even remember their conversation.
Only one technician went in Alex’s ambulance with Paul. She seemed stable for the moment and they sped off quickly, bound for hospital. Andrew, meanwhile was barely able to control his temper when the paramedics roughly kept him from joining Monica.
"I’m sorry, but we can’t let you go with her. She’s in critical condition. There isn’t room for us and you."
Andrew’s green eyes seemed to go straight through the man. "I am not leaving her side. I don’t give a fuck if I have to ride on the roof," he said, voice low and dangerous.
A second paramedic came around the side of the ambulance and saw the situation. Andrew’s frequent loving glances at the woman inside the vehicle, and his clenched fists and flushed face. The hospital was less than fifteen minutes away. They would manage.
"Let him in," he demanded, ending the stalemate. Then he looked at Andrew. "Stay by her head and out of their way."
Andrew nodded and didn’t waste any time climbing aboard. Just being able to touch her soft skin was enough, and he could only hope that she knew that he was right there with her. Whatever pain she was in he wished that he could take it from her, but he knew that wasn’t possible, so instead he prayed that remain unaware of it until it was under control. Not seeing her bright eyes was difficult, but seeing pain in them was agony.
In the other ambulance Paul was gripping Alex’s hand as hard as he dared and whispering into her ear constantly. The paramedics didn’t seem as concerned about her as they did about Monica, and that was understandable, but the agent was driving himself crazy with worry and guilt. A slight sound from her lips made him sit up straighter, and the paramedic moved closer as well, taking her vitals yet again.
"Baby? Can you hear me? Please, Alex, open your eyes. C’mon girl, you can do it," Paul was pleading with her unashamedly and he was rewarded when her dark lashes fluttered and slowly parted to reveal her blue eyes.
There was confusion and pain in those eyes and when she found she couldn’t move the confusion changed rapidly to fear. "No, don’t try to move. You’re strapped down, baby.
You’re in an ambulance… you’re safe."
Her racing heart barely took note of his words and she struggled to calm herself as Paul watched her helplessly. His hands were on her cheeks, and he was looking down at her with so much love and relief. She finally met his gaze, but she squinted, trying to decipher what she was really seeing, and horribly aware of the doubts that had moved to the forefront of her mind.
"Oh, Alex, thank God," Paul stroked her cheeks and tried to control the fact that his throat was swelling with emotion. "Baby, I love you so much… I am so sorry for everything… everything… All I could think about was how the last words I spoke to you were spoken in anger. Please, baby, you don’t have to say anything else, just tell me you still love me."
She looked up at him through her pain and her heart ached. "I do," she whispered, but then she closed her eyes wondering who he had really rescued this time.
*****
Upon arriving at the hospital, Monica was immediately whisked away to surgery and Alex to exam and x-ray, leaving the angel and the agent alone in the waiting room. Andrew’s eyes were focused on the doors that they had just taken his little wife through, the expression on his face nothing short of mental agony. Her terrified struggle to alleviate her pain back at the FBI building continued to play out in his mind. He had never seen her in such pain; had never known a time when his touch had not calmed her and he only wanted to punch the people responsible for it.
At least Paul was now remarkably calmer as he had gotten to speak with Alex and he watched his angelic friend through guilt filled eyes, "She’s going to be all right, Andrew…" He offered trying to convey some semblance of hope.
"Yeah, I know, Paul. After all, she is an angel, right?" Andrew was unable to hold back his sarcasm and actually felt a tiny shred of satisfaction when Paul flinched.
"I deserved that," He replied softly, watching Andrew from where he sat, "Andrew, I’m sorry…I never should have said that."
"Save it, Paul," He couldn’t seem to help but to feel irritable with the agent, "I’m grabbing coffee. You want a cup?"
He somehow felt even worse now, but he nodded his head, "Coffee would be great, Andrew."
As the angel headed down the hall, Paul let out a deep breath and rested his head in his hands. He was expecting to hear something on Alex soon and now felt even more guilty that it would probably be much longer before Andrew knew anything about Monica. He felt every bit as guilty for being relieved that it was not Alex who had been in such tremendous pain only a short time ago. He had made this mess today and Alex and Monica were suffering for it. That fact was not an easy cross to bear.
"Paul."
The agent looked up sharply and found himself facing Zach Cohan, one of the guys from the bureau who worked for him, "Cohan, what are you doing here?"
"Looking for you actually. How is Alex?" The man had heard that Paul’s wife had been caught in the building and later had heard that she had been rescued and brought to the hospital.
"I don’t know anything definite yet. They took her for x-rays. I should know something soon."
"I guess our suspicions were right about those guys from the middle east coming into DC today. They are suspecting suicide bombers at both agencies today. I can’t believe we’ve been tracking the bastards for weeks and we fucking lost them today. I guess we’ll never know if that lead I paged you about earlier would have ever paid off."
Cohan continued to ramble on but Paul was no longer listening. His gaze was locked on the angel’s who was standing close enough to hear every word. He saw nothing short of rage in Andrew’s green eyes, before his friend turned and walked away, back out the Emergency Room exit.
"Not a good time, Zach," Paul muttered, rising to his feet, "Catch up with me later…once I know Alex and another friend are all right." He brushed past his colleague, having a feeling he was about to take his life in his hands by following Andrew outside.
His theory was proven correct when Andrew threw him up against the wall of the building almost as soon as he had walked out the door.
"You fucking knew something?! You knew something could happen here today and you still left your wife in that building and sent mine up to fix your fucking mistake? Tell me I misunderstood, Paul!" Andrew’s face was flushed with anger as he clung to the collar of the agent’s shirt.
"It was only a hunch, Andrew! Something we were working on and we lost them today…"
"That should have been your first clue!" He snapped. It was taking everything in him to not draw back his fist.
"We never in a million years would have thought they would target the agency! The Capitol, the White House, but not the damn FBI!" Paul was pleading Andrew would at least try to understand, though the guilt he was already feeling was overwhelming and it continued to pile up by the minute.
"It shouldn’t have mattered what you thought they might target! It was bad enough you didn’t try to fix things with Alex; that you sent Monica up there to try to fix it for you, but you did those things knowing the danger that could be around the fucking corner!" He had never felt such rage. It was one thing to be angry at some random criminal like William Grady or Devin Jackson, but he had always trusted Paul and this betrayal and what it had caused felt like a direct knife in his back, "You know what really pisses me off, Gatlin? The fact that Monica was probably thankful to be in that mess with Alex. She never would have wanted your wife to go through it alone though you left her up there when you should have been apologizing. You backed out of lunch so Monica had to go up there because the tough guy was such a fucking coward!" Angrily he released his hold on Paul in disgust, "That angel who should be fine is in critical condition, Paul, because you were too big of a chicken shit to face Alex. You used her today, and used horrible words to hurt Alex and the worst part is that neither one of them would do something like that to you."
Paul wished he could get angry. He wished he could fight back. But the fact was that most of the things Andrew was saying were true, though he had never meant for things to turn out this way, "Andrew, if I had thought for one second that something like this could have happened-."
"What? You would have fixed it? You would have done things differently? So why the hell didn’t you? Why would it have taken immediate danger to make you do what you should have done regardless? That’s the fucking point, Paul! You don’t wait for something terrible to happen to do the right thing."
He lowered his eyes, knowing he had no argument. Andrew was right. He had been telling himself the whole time he had been waiting word on Alex that he should have immediately made things right with her. He shouldn’t have been too proud to immediately admit that he had fucked things up, "I never meant for this to happen, not to Alex or Monica."
"But it did, Paul and we don’t know if either one of them are going to be all right, angel or no." Turning on his heel, he walked back into the hospital without another word.
Paul watched him go and then turned his eyes to the sky. The sun was setting and he could see the moon and the faint light from the evening stars in the still pale blue sky. How had the day come to this? It had started perfectly, waking up with Alex in his arms, and smiling down on her, thinking how lucky he was to have her. Now, twelve hours later he was waiting to hear from a doctor about her condition.
Leaning up against the wall, he let it support him as he slid down it to sit on the ground, gaze still focused upwards. He was very hesitant to speak, but he finally did, clearing his throat first and lowering his eyes. "God… I…" he cleared his throat again, "I’m probably about the last person you want to hear from today. I’m guessing that no one else got his wife and one of your angels hospitalized. And I know that you aren’t even the one I should really be asking for forgiveness, but unfortunately everyone I should be groveling to is either not able or willing to talk to me. You know my heart. You know I never wanted any of this to happen, but Andrew was right. If I hadn’t been such a prick… sorry ‘bout that… jerk… then none of us would be here right now. I swear I started out with the best intentions. I was scared. I worry about Alex… maybe I shouldn’t but I do, and I needed to let her know that, but the way I did it." He shook his head and looked up again. "Well you know everything that happened after that. So, like I said, I know you aren’t the one I should be talking to right now, but Alex and Monica are inside, and I’m just asking you to please watch over them even closer than usual right now. Please, give me a chance to make this up to them."
He let his head fall to his hands as he silently thought that he also needed a chance to make it up to Andrew. He had only seen him that furious once before; with Grady. Knowing that right now, Andrew was placing him on the same level as Monica’s rapist made his stomach turn. Very slowly he pushed himself to his feet. He could only avoid the angel for just so long. He needed to find out about Alex. As he approached the door his insides rebelled once more, wondering if Andrew would even allow him near his wife when she came out of surgery.
Perhaps Paul shouldn’t have been surprised to see Andrew waiting for him, but he was. He still looked angry, but it was contained for the moment.
"The doctor was here looking for you. He’ll be back in a minute. They’re transferring Alex up to a room."
Paul’s face filled with gratitude, but his smile left almost immediately. There still wasn’t any word about Monica, and Andrew looked less than willing to share his relief. "Thanks, Andrew," he said, trying to infuse his voice with repentance as well as gratitude.
Andrew nodded his head and then went back to his silent vigil, with eyes staring at the double doors Monica had been wheeled through. He had already prayed for God to take away his anger and frustration at Paul, and it had lessened, but remained a knot in his chest. Maybe after he knew that Monica was all right he would be able to completely forgive him, but at the moment that seemed well beyond his grasp.
Knowing that a doctor could be coming any moment made it impossible for Paul to sit down and even attempt to relax. He paced the waiting room and cast frequent glances to the admittance desk. The nurses and admins were completely absorbed in trying to sort out everyone who had been brought to them from the disaster, and as much as he wanted to ask them if they knew anything Paul kept his distance. The last thing he needed was more people pissed off at him.
Thankfully his wait was short and Andrew saw the doctor walking towards them and alerted the agent. "That’s him," he said, nodding in the man’s direction. Paul was at his side before he was half-way there.
"My wife… Alex… you worked on her? How is she?"
"You must be Paul Gatlin?" the doctor asked, and Paul nodded emphatically. "Doctor Sullivan. Yes I worked on your wife. The paramedics told me a steel beam fell on top of her and frankly I didn’t believe them." Paul’s worry shot up a notch and the doctor stretched forward a hand and laid it on his shoulder. "What I mean is that she didn’t sustain the severity of injuries I would have expected. I’m guessing some rubble around her took some of the weight. She does have two cracked ribs, her shoulder was dislocated and she suffered a fairly severe concussion, but believe me, it could have been much, much worse."
As relieved as he was, Paul couldn’t stop thinking about just exactly how much worse it could have been. The embodiment of that particular scenario was currently in the middle of surgery. "I can see her now? Is she awake?"
"She’s been transferred upstairs to a room, on the third floor and you can go up to be with her, but no, right now we’re letting her sleep, although we’ll be monitoring her closely due to the head injury. Standard procedure, so don’t let the frequent visits disturb you." Dr. Sullivan was smiling at the look of relief on Paul’s face. Unfortunately he hadn’t been able to give such good news very often today.
"Thank you, Doctor. Thanks a lot," he said, shaking the doctor’s hand.
"You’re welcome. I’m glad I was able to help her. If you ask the nurses at the desk on he third floor they’ll be able to direct you to her room."
As the doctor walked away, Paul turned to Andrew, painfully aware that the angel had heard every word. "Andrew…"
"Paul, I’m glad that Alex is going to be all right. You know how much she means to me and to Monica."
"Of course, but…"
Andrew shook his head. "Go be with your wife, Gatlin."
"You’ll tell me when Monica’s out of surgery?" Again, Paul was wondering if he’d even be allowed near her.
"I’ll tell you. Now go. Take advantage of the fact you have a second chance to make up for your mistakes." Andrew hadn’t meant for his voice to sound so harsh, but he knew that it was and he grimaced. "I’m sorry, Paul. This is going to take me a little time to get over."
"Andrew, I’m just surprised you didn’t lay me out. I’m gonna get out of your hair now. I’ll be praying for Monica, buddy."
"I know. So will I."
Paul got Alex’s room number and didn’t waste a moment getting to her. He had felt another twinge of guilt at leaving Andrew to wait alone for word on Monica but Alex needed him and he was fairly sure that the angel wasn’t too keen on his company at the moment.
He opened her door quietly and stood back as a nurse checked her vitals once more as he took in the sight of his wife. Her arm was in a sling, strapped tightly against her body and the bandage on her head somehow seemed to make her appear even paler. He had only seen her look so vulnerable one other time and it only served to make him want to wrap her up in his arms and never let go again.
"I think she’s been trying to wake up," The nurse told him with a smile as she finished her task and moved towards the door, "She’s a very lucky young lady."
Paul gave a small nod, thinking it was he who was the lucky one to be given a second chance with his wife, but he said nothing. Once the nurse had departed, he made his way to Alex’s bed and took a seat in the chair next to her, instinctively reaching for her hand. She was going to be all right. He told himself that over and over, playing it like a mantra in his head and he was still unable to quite believe it.
"Alex? Sweetheart?" His heart sprang to his throat as he watched her slowly open her eyes. She blinked as if trying to clear her vision and to figure out exactly where she was, before she looked over at him. His heart then thudded to the floor when she looked away. He knew she had every right to still be upset with him, but he didn’t want it to go on a minute longer, "You’re going to be fine, Alex, just fine," She gave the smallest of nods, but didn’t utter a sound, "Baby, I’m so sorry about earlier. Please believe me. I was just angry…"
"I know," She interrupted, not feeling strong enough to even consider having this conversation right now. She ached all over and her emotions felt completely raw and that last thing she wanted to do was confront his feelings when she was this weak, "How’s Monica?"
Paul lowered his head for a moment, "She’s in surgery," He stated simply, not wanting to alarm her.
"It’s bad," She stated, her words causing him to raise his head in surprise, "I could tell that while we were up there, even though she insisted she was fine," She blinked back tears, "She never should have been there in the first place, but I can’t say I’m sorry she was there with me. I wouldn’t have wanted to have been up there alone."
It was a small jab and Paul knew it and accepted it, "I’m glad you weren’t alone either, honey," He offered softly as he squeezed her hand, "I had never been so afraid as when I knew you were in that building."
She wanted to counter with a dozen different comments, but she chose none of them, "I’m tired."
He felt his heart racing wildly in his chest as he got the feeling he was being shut out at the moment, yet he couldn’t deny that she looked exhausted, "Then rest, sweetheart. I’ll be right here," He got up and moved to kiss her on the lips and he knew she was more than just tired when she moved her head a fraction of an inch at the last minute and his kiss landed just on the corner of her mouth. She immediately closed her blue eyes, and he stared at her for a moment, wondering how on earth he would ever be able to repair the damage his words had done.
*****
"Are you Monica’s husband?"
Andrew looked up, his heart in his throat and all he could manage was a nod as his mind raced with terrible thoughts. She had died. She had died, God had taken her Home and he had no idea when he would see her again.
"We’ve just gotten her stabilized enough to begin operating. I thought you might want to hold onto these for her," The young intern felt a tug of sympathy over the pained look on his face as she handed him the small ziplock bag.
Andrew took the bag from her hands, his vision blurring slightly as he looked at the few pieces of jewelry the bag contained. Monica’s wedding band, engagement ring, as well as the necklace, bracelet and earrings he had given her. Of course they had to be removed for surgery, but suddenly the thought of her not even having that much was agonizing, "Thank you," He managed to say, his voice sounding far away and hollow.
She glanced back towards the doors, knowing she needed to get back, but instead she briefly took a seat next to him, "How long have you been married?"
"Just a month…but we’ve known each other forever," He heard himself answering as he opened the bag and took out her wedding band. Idly, he slipped it over his pinky though it only came a quarter of the way over his finger and he was reminded how petite the little angel was…she was so small and a beam that took six men to lift had been resting on top of her for hours, "How…how bad is it? They said she was critical, but…"
The intern drew in a deep breath and found herself resting her hand against his forearm, "She is critical, but we’re going to do all we can for her and it seems to me that she has plenty to pull through for." She gave his arm a little squeeze as she stood back up, "It’s probably going to be a few hours, but I’ll let you know as soon as she comes out and then the doctor will be out to speak with you."
"Thank you," Andrew replied softly, his focus once again going to the ring on his finger. He remembered how she had told him she loved him right before she had lost consciousness and he now wished he had told her the same thing. He knew she knew how he felt, but he wished he had said it just the same.
It was suddenly hard to believe that only a week ago he had been holding her in his arms after making love to her. It felt like years since he had last been able to hold her close, being able to feel her warmth and the feel of her head against him as she snuggled closer. How long would it be before he could feel that way again?
This had been too soon. Too soon after William Grady for her to be hurt, though in thinking about that time, he was reminded of just how much of a little fighter she was. She had worked her way back from the rape one small step at a time and even when something else had been thrown at her, Monica had never given up, even if at times she had wanted to. He only wished that she hadn’t had so many reasons to fight the last few years.
"Father," His voice was a whisper as he closed his eyes, "She’s hurt…and I know You are holding her right now when I can’t. You know how much I love her, and the thought of losing her, even briefly….please, just bring her through this. You’ve blessed us with so many special gifts, the greatest of them being our marriage and I know that when You gave Your blessing I said I would never want for anything more, but…let her survive this surgery and help me contain my anger, at Paul, at the men who did this. I know Paul didn’t mean for either of them to get hurt, but he used her today to fix what he had done. She gives of herself so freely and without a thought to her own well being, and Paul knows that about her. He took advantage of that innocence I love so much about her, even if he didn’t specifically ask her to help with the fight he had with Alex." He shook his head, trying to shake off the twinges of anger in his heart. "Monica probably knew something was wrong when she talked to him and he knew that there was danger in this city today and he still left Alex up there and didn’t stop Monica from joining her. I’m finding those things hard to forgive, even if you have already forgiven him."
He felt a little more peace creep into his heart as he opened his eyes, once again finding them unable to leave the door that his heart was behind.
Chapter 5
The minutes ticked by with impossible slowness and Andrew counted each and every one. He barely noticed the other activity in the waiting room, and although he knew that as an angel he should be concerned with everyone and trying to help them all, he couldn’t make himself do it. For good or for ill, Monica was the only one who mattered to him at the moment.
Paul ventured down twice to check in, and despite the fact that Alex was going to be fine, Andrew was struck by the fact that Paul still looked haggard and ill at ease when he asked about her. The angel could feel that God was working to alleviate his anger at the man, but in its place a deep disappointment had settled. Paul was his best friend, for lack of another word, and the man had always been above reproach when it came to how he treated Monica and Alex. Andrew knew that it was unfair to judge him against anything other than purely fallible, human standards, but somewhere along the line, Paul had eclipsed those standards and it was hard to accept that he was just as capable of mistakes as any other man.
When Andrew thought about it longer, after the agent retreated back to Alex’s room, he realized that perhaps part of his anger and disappointment stemmed from the fact that he knew that he wasn’t perfect either. He had unintentionally hurt Monica before, and there was every chance that he would do so again, no matter how hard he tried not to. Part of loving her made him intensely human and as much as he wanted to believe that he could never have done what Paul had, a very small voice told him that anything was possible.
He was deep in thought when the doors to the operating rooms opened and a doctor he had not seen before appeared, accompanied by the intern from earlier. He was on his feet a moment later and the two women quickly approached him.
"You operated on my wife?" he asked before the doctor could even introduce herself.
"Yes, I did. Dr. Fitzgerald," she said, extending her hand. He shook it without thinking, his eyes never leaving her face as they searched for some clue to how Monica was doing. "The surgery went extremely well. Better than expected, to be honest. She lost a lot of blood at the scene, and even more here, but once we got that under control, the damage to her internal organs was relatively light. The bleeding was coming from an artery to her liver that was severed. Unfortunately the lack of oxygenated blood to that organ while she was trapped caused a part of it to become damaged."
Andrew’s face went from slight relief to complete distress again. "What does that mean, exactly? Is she all right?"
"We had to remove that part of the liver, but thankfully that organ is able to regenerate itself and she should make a complete recovery. Right now we have her on a breathing tube as well, to take some pressure off her lungs and heart. She suffered three cracked ribs, which are minor, but painful, and we just want to be safe. She was in a severe amount of distress when the paramedics got to her and that kind of stress can easily damage those organs."
Andrew’s head was spinning. The doctor said she was going to be all right, but then she said something else that made his heart race. "But… she’ll be fine… won’t she?"
Dr. Fitzgerald instantly recognized the face of a man who was getting too much information all at the same time when all he really wanted was one simple question answered. "We’ll be watching her very carefully but she should be perfectly fine. I’m sorry for hitting you with so much all at once."
"Am I able to see her now?" That was the second and almost as important question.
"She’s in ICU for the night, but yes, you can see her. Visiting hours end at eight o’clock, but I think we can make an exception in this case."
Finally, Andrew could breathe again and he relaxed his hands which had closed into fists so tight his knuckles were white. "Where is the ICU?"
"Second floor. She’s in room 207. You can head up and I’ll call the nurse’s station and give them a head’s up."
"Thank you, Doctor," Andrew remembered his manners and managed a relieved smile at both the doctor and the young intern who had been so kind to him earlier.
"I’ll be praying for her," the young woman said, as Andrew turned away, and he looked back over his shoulder and let his green eyes meet with the young woman’s as they shared a glance that made Andrew wonder if there weren’t such things as angels in waiting.
*****
The elevator seemed to take forever just to reach the second floor, and Andrew didn’t even bother to ask where the room was, but instead glanced down every hall until he saw the numbers going up to 207. The sign on the door read ‘oxygen in use’ and when he opened it the slow and steady beeps and hissing from several machines greeted him.
There was a stiff looking chair with vinyl cushions next to the bed and Andrew went to it quickly and sat down, immediately taking Monica’s frail hand in his.
"I’m sorry I was away, Angel. Even I couldn’t override the doctors," he said, trying to keep his voice light. He was sure that she could hear him and he wanted to sound positive and upbeat, telling her that Alex was all right and the fire at the bureau was out and everyone who was alive had been freed, but within five minutes he was silent again.
"Sweetheart, I know how tired you are… how strong you’ve been all day, but baby, I just want you to know how much I love you… how much I cherish every moment with you. You are going to be fine, Monica, and you’ll be back to yourself before you know it. I know it seems like it hasn’t been that long since the last time you were in a hospital, but this time, I swear won’t be as hard… and this time I won’t have to hold back when I want to kiss you until you see stars."
He reached into his pocket and scooped out her engagement ring, and then pulled her wedding band off his pinkie finger. "I think you probably want these back," he whispered as his eyes clouded with tears. "I know I want you wearing them… my beautiful wife." He gently pushed them over her ring finger and settled them into place, then brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently.
The back of her hand had an IV attached, and he brushed over it lightly with his thumb. "I have a feeling that you have a lot you need to talk to me about, sweetheart, and I’m going to be here the whole time. We were only apart for a week but if felt like forever to me. You are my world, angel… without you in it there’s just grey. You are the color, and I can’t wait to see your eyes again and tell you just how much you mean to me."
His heart leapt to his throat as on his last word, her eyelashes fluttered and he gave her hand the gentlest of squeezes. He watched as her tired eyes opened and she blinked against the light in the room as a look of confusion appeared in her dark eyes. At the realization she was unable to speak, panic filled them as they welled up with frightened tears.
Andrew moved forward quickly, feeling her distress in his heart, and wanting to make sure she could see him. His free hand moved to stroke her temple as he captured her fearful look, "Shh. You’re all right, baby. The tube is a precaution, that’s all. It should be gone by morning," Tenderly, he swiped at the tears that escaped her eyes, "You’re all right. The doctor said you’re going to be fine."
Though there were still tears in the dark pools, she seemed to relax a little at his words and at the feeling of his touch and he found himself blinking back tears as she wrapped her small hand around his and held on tightly. Andrew could feel her questions wrapping around his heart and he gently explained all that the doctor had told him and everything he knew about Alex.
"You don’t need to worry, angel. The doctors and I are going to take care of you, so all you need to do is rest and get better. I love you, baby…I was so afraid today…to see you hurting and not be able to do anything to take it away…" He kissed her fingers once more, "I’m just so thankful you are going to be all right. I know God would have taken care of you either way, but the thought of being away from you, even for a moment was more than I could bear."
He brushed away another tear as it escaped her eye and smiled lovingly, "Rest, sweetheart. I will be here, I promise."
He watched as she pulled her hand away from his weakly and held up her thumb, pointer finger and pinky in the universal sign for "I love you". Andrew thought his heart would surely escape his chest, "I love you too, angel, with everything in me. Now sleep."
Just as Monica closed her eyes, there was a soft knock at the door and Andrew looked over to see Paul step inside, "Paul, I’m sorry. I had to see her first before…"
"Say no more, Andrew. I understand. I just wanted to see how she was doing." He was relieved that the angel had allowed him this far into the room, but he wasn’t about to question it.
"She’s sleeping, but she was just awake. A little scared, but she’s going to be fine," Andrew’s eyes came back to rest on his wife’s face, seeing the pensive expression on her sleeping face, "How is Alex?"
"Also asleep and I think still a bit upset with me, but I suppose I expected that. It will take some time, I guess."
"And you can give that to her," Andrew stated softly.
Paul nodded as he ventured a step nearer to Monica’s bed and was even more surprised when Andrew got up to allow the agent access to the little angel. He gently reached for her hand and held it gently, hating how frail she suddenly seemed, "I just wanted to say hello, honey," He said quietly, "and how relieved I am that you are going to be okay. I have a lot more to tell you, but we’ll wait until you’re feeling better," He leaned in and kissed her forehead, before turning back to Andrew.
The angel had watched the exchange and he felt a pang of guilt for his earlier words to Paul. Though a part of him was still angry, it was obvious that Paul loved Monica and would never mean her any harm, but a second later, Andrew’s expression froze as he watched a tear slip from his wife’s eye, making a trail into her hair. At the same moment he felt intense sadness filling his heart.
"Let me know if you need anything, Andrew," Paul offered as he opened the door to head back to Alex.
"Sure Paul. Thanks, and you do the same."
As his friend departed, Andrew quickly took the seat beside her bed once more, wondering if he had imagined the feeling in his heart and that her tears were only from some pain as she slept, "Angel?" His voice was a whisper in the event she was really sleeping.
But her eyes opened briefly and the sadness and guilt he saw there nearly bowled him over and he suddenly felt extremely frustrated that she was unable to talk to him as once more he was powerless to help her, "Sweetheart, whatever it is, we will fix it, all right? I don’t want you worrying about anything, angel," his mind was racing with possibilities. Did she know that Paul had a lead on the people who had bombed the building today? That would explain the sadness but not the feeling of guilt he was getting from her. She had nothing to feel guilty for! Was it Alex? Did she think she could have done more to help her? She had done all she could and had wound up in surgery for hours over what she had done.
He saw the pleading look in her eyes and his throat nearly closed as he reached up to stroke her hair, "Sleep baby. We’ll talk it out tomorrow if you’re up to it, but no worries tonight, okay?" Relief filled him as she fumbled for his hand and he took it once more as she finally closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off to sleep.
Much too soon, the sun began its crawl up the sky, but that wasn’t what woke the angel of death. A gentle hand on his shoulder was what caused him to open his eyes. They went first to Monica’s still face, and his suddenly racing heart slowed when he saw that she was sleeping peacefully. After assuring himself of that fact, he was able to turn to the new arrival in the room.
"Tess," he greeted her with an exhausted smile and went to stand up and hug her, but she motioned for him to stay where he was.
"I came as soon as I could, baby. The Father had me working in another part of the hospital helping some other victims of this horrible crime."
Andrew nodded knowingly. God hadn’t spoken to him since allowing him to go to her side when she was trapped, but that didn’t mean that other angels weren’t still on the scene. He suddenly looked up sharply.
"He didn’t send you for me, did He?" His hand tightened on Monica’s and he could feel the diamond from her ring pressing into his palm. "I’m not leaving her side, Tess. I don’t care what the need. I left her alone once already and I’m not doing it again. If I have to disobey Him…" Andrew could hardly imagine it, but suddenly his love for Monica was clouding his heart and mind to anything else.
"Angel boy, calm down," Tess said soothingly. "I’m not here to take you away. Nothing could be further from the truth."
He let out a sigh of relief and hung his head. "I’m sorry, Tess. I guess being separated in the first place is just making this even harder to take."
"I know, and believe me, He knows that too. He never intended for you two to be apart for any longer than absolutely necessary, and He has no intention of sending you away from her now."
"Thank you for telling me, that. You know that I trust Him with everything… but right now…"
"She needs you. And you need her. There’s nothing in the world wrong with that." Tess stroked the little angel’s cheek. "How is she doing?"
"The doctors yesterday were very optimistic. I never really doubted that she would pull through… but seeing her hurting…"
"Shhh, baby. Don’t think about that right now."
He nodded and rubbed his thumb against her rings, still praying that when she woke up the medications she was getting through the IV would have eliminated all of her pain.
"Her doctor thought they’d be able to remove that tube and get her out of ICU today," he said softly.
"Well we both know how stubborn she can be. I’m sure that if there’s any chance at all, she’ll be fighting to get out of here altogether before you know it."
Smiling, Andrew remembered that was exactly the way she was. No doubt she would be far more concerned about Alex then she was about herself. "Have you seen Paul?"
"Not yet, but I heard about Alex. She was very lucky."
"In more ways than one," he replied. "If Monica hadn’t gone up to get her for lunch she would have been in her office when the bombs went off. I took three people Home from her floor."
*****
She stared up at the ceiling, looking at the tiles, and letting them go in and out of focus. Breathing hurt. Everything ached. But when she turned her head and saw her husband asleep in a very uncomfortable looking chair her heart hurt more than all of her physical aches. She loved him so much, with everything that was in her. She had never expected to fall so deeply in love after thirty years of bad relationships, but she had. Two days ago she couldn’t have imagined a more perfect life, and now she was staring at him wondering how to pull her heart back and keep from getting even more hurt. As she looked at his face his eyes slowly opened and she held his gaze for a moment before closing her eyes wearily.
"Baby, you’re awake. How are you feeling?" Paul was eager to show her how much he cared for her and desperate to get that sad look out of her eyes.
"Sore," she murmured.
"I’m not surprised, but the doctor said you could probably leave today."
"What about Monica?"
Paul reached over and picked up her hand, holding it tenderly between both of his. "I stopped by her room last night while you were sleeping." Alex was looking at him with a trace of fear, and he swallowed before continuing. "She’s a little worse off than you, sweetheart, but she’s going to be fine. Just fine."
Alex remembered how the little angel had looked, keeping a strong face on, but so pale, with her dark eyes reflecting such horrible pain. "I want to see her," she said quickly.
"Alex, please don’t worry about her. You know she’s in good hands. The best hands."
"Please. I need to see her," she said again. Seeing her would get her mind off herself, and it would let her know for sure that the little angel was going to be all right.
Paul sighed and kissed her hand. "I’ll see what I can do, Alex. I think they’re moving her out of ICU today. Maybe this afternoon after she gets settled…"
The woman nodded slightly, the motion making her head throb, and she winced without meaning to. Paul was on his feet a second later and pushing the call button. "You need to concentrate on yourself right now. We’ll have the nurse bring some painkillers. Do you think you could eat?"
She shrugged, and Paul felt his heart clench just a little bit more. She was right next to him but she had never felt further away. He could only hope that once she was feeling a little better they would be able to talk and she would be able to forgive him and reset the clock back a week to when things were perfect.
*****
"Now, Monica, I’m going to pull this tube out, but you need to cough really hard while I do it, okay?" Dr. Fitzgerald was beside the angel’s bed, waiting for her to nod that she understood.
Andrew had her hand wrapped up in his and as she coughed and the tube came out, she squeezed so hard her fingers went white. The searing pain through her chest from her ribs was not what she had expected and as soon as the tube was free she let out a breathless sob.
"I’m sorry, Monica. I knew it would hurt, but I couldn’t have you thinking about that." The doctor had her stethoscope out and she was placing it against the angel’s chest, listening to her heartbeat and her breathing. "Better now?" she asked as her breathing slowed.
"Yes… it still hurts…" Monica’s voice was rough and scratchy sounding, and Andrew quickly brought a glass of water to her lips.
"Your ribs are going to hurt for a while, and that incision in your stomach can’t be feeling very good either, but you are a very lucky woman," Dr. Fitzgerald assured her.
Monica glanced over at Andrew and then back to the doctor. "I know."
Unable to hold back a smile at the obvious love between them, the doctor patted her hand. "I think that I will go and finish up my rounds and check back with you in a little while. I know you’re in good hands here, and if you’re still doing well when I come back, we can see about transferring you out of the ICU."
"That would be wonderful, Doctor," Andrew said, speaking for both of them.
"Take care of each other. I’ll be back in an hour or so, and don’t hesitate to call for more pain medication if you need it."
She left the two of them alone then, and Andrew couldn’t help himself. He bent forward and caught Monica’s lips in a tender kiss; memorizing the feel of her mouth against his, and tracing his hand along her jaw. It didn’t last long enough to make her breathless, but her eyes were bright with tears when they parted.
"I’ve been wanting to do that for a while," he explained.
"Me too," she whispered.
"How are you feeling, angel? The truth," His voice was gentle as his hand continued to stroke her cheek.
She let out a tiny sigh, wincing at the sharp pain even that small action caused her, "I hurt," She replied, her voice strained.
"I promise you will feel a little better each day, sweetheart," Andrew whispered to her, his love for her shining in his eyes.
Looking into them, she found herself blinking back tears, "I missed you so much…I wanted you with me…to be with you…I…I didn’t think it would be so hard."
"Neither did I, baby. Leaving you up there…it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do," He held her hand in both of his and kissed it tenderly.
"I understood, Andrew…someone else needed you more."
The look of sadness was back in her eyes and he realized he no longer needed an excuse to open the conversation, "Yes. Paul. Speaking of which, angel, it upset you that he was in here last night," He watched as she lowered her eyes, "Whatever it is, sweetheart, I think you need to talk about it."
Monica was silent for a moment, suddenly feeling unbearably weary, but she knew he was right, "You know Paul and Alex had a fight yesterday morning."
It was half statement, half question, and Andrew nodded his head, "Yes. He knows he hurt her pretty badly," He shook his head slightly at the reminder of what his friend had said to his wife.
"It’s more than that, Andrew," Her voice was soft and there was hurt present and he felt the stirrings of his protective nature kicking into gear, "It was more than just what he said. It was what Alex believes is the truth behind those words."
"Monica, the truth is that Paul was angry. He didn’t mean what he said, even though that doesn’t excuse it. He-." Andrew stopped himself as the grief in her dark eyes deepened.
"Have you ever known Paul to say anything that he didn’t mean on some level?" In the few years Monica had known and been close with the agent, he had always calculated everything, from how he handled a case to the things he said. Why would this be any exception?
"Alex believes he has never gotten over Lauren," The words were a whisper and when she looked up at him, there were tears in her eyes, "And I’ve been a constant reminder for him."
Andrew blinked, trying to take in what she was telling him, "Angel, what…?"
"Don’t you see? I look like her, Andrew and it all makes sense. The way he has always been so protective of me, even where you are concerned. The times he has been able to help me... it wasn’t really me… it was Lauren," Tears escaped and she closed her eyes tiredly, "I think the best thing I can do right now is to stay away."
He suddenly felt angry and he didn’t even know at whom. He only knew his wife was hurt and that was enough to upset him, though his anger was certainly not at Alex and as he wasn’t completely convinced of what Alex believed, he couldn’t really be angry with Paul, at least no more than he already was.
His head was spinning, trying to decide what he believed. Paul loved Alex. He knew that for a fact. He also believed that the agent loved Monica and not just for the simple reason that she reminded him of his late fiancée. "Angel," his voice was soothing as he moved his hand to her face once more, waiting until she looked at him, "Isn’t it possible that whatever Alex may think could be stemming from some kind of insecurities that have nothing to do with the truth?"
"Yes, but I don’t want to take a chance right now by being around him. What if she’s right? What if he never let Lauren go?" Her voice caught in a sob and pain immediately filled her dark eyes.
"Shh," He knew she was tired, and in pain, and her emotions were feeling raw from those two things alone and because of that now was not the best time to flat out tell her he thought she was wrong. There would be time to gently lay that before her later. "Regardless of what the truth really is, I think Alex will be released from the hospital today or tomorrow, where you are going to be sticking around a few more days, so that will give Paul and Alex some time to mend what has come between them. Maybe by that time, she’ll be seeing things more clearly, though I will tell you that he was frantic about her being in the building. He loves her, Monica, that much I know for certain."
She nodded her head and closed her eyes again against his gentle touch, wishing she could be wrapped up in his arms. The pain was getting worse and she was struggling to breathe normally instead of in the short and shallow bursts that kept her ribs and incision from hurting so badly.
Andrew hit the call button, able to see the pain on her face she was trying to hide, "I think more medication is in order, angel. There is no sense in you hurting like this when it can be alleviated."
"I know," Monica replied softly, deciding that arguing would get her nowhere. He loved her and she was in pain. He needed to fix it for her. "It’s just that I can’t be with you when I’m sleeping."
He smiled down at her, once again reveling in the honesty that revealing their love for each other had inspired, "You’re always with me, baby, and I’m not going anywhere."
"I’m glad you’re here…"
"Nowhere else I’d ever want to be, Monica. For better or for worse and though this is a touch of worse, I’m going to make it better and on top of that, if you recall, sometimes out of terrible things, come wonderful things."
She reached up with her other hand and laid it over his that was resting against her face. He was talking about the rape and how it had taken that for her feelings to come to the surface. The love that they now shared nearly made it impossible to completely regret what had happened to her nearly four months ago, "Next week…" She began, but he cut her off gently.
"I know," Andrew whispered and a tiny smile appeared on her face at knowing he remembered, "I’m so proud of you, angel."
Her nurse came in then and she and Andrew spoke briefly about Monica’s pain before she adjusted the drip on the angel’s IV. As she departed, he leaned over and kissed his wife gently on the lips, "Sleep now, sweetheart."
"I love you so much," Monica told him quietly, squeezing his hand as tightly as she could. Despite all that was wrong in her world right now, she had him and nothing else mattered quite as much.
Andrew smiled, his heart tugging at those words he would never get tired of hearing, "I love you more, angel."
"Not possible," She closed her eyes sleepily as the medication began to take hold.
Chuckling softly, he kissed her forehead, "You just rest and concentrate on getting better, and then I’ll show you just how much."
In the moment that sleep claimed her, Monica smiled softly, "Deal."
Chapter 6
Physically she was feeling much better. Her ribs still hurt and there was a lump the size of a pool ball on the back of her head, but the painkillers had done their work and reduced everything to a dull ache. In fact, she was doing so well that the doctors had given her the okay to check out of the hospital. The news brought mixed feelings. She hated hospitals with an intensity usually reserved for mass murderers and the IRS, but she also knew what awaited her outside the sterile walls. She still wasn’t well enough to work, and even if she was, the bureau wasn’t exactly operating under business as usual. That left her at home, nothing to occupy her mind other than the thoughts she would rather push back into their tiny little box and forget about.
At the moment, Paul was rounding up a wheel chair so that she could go down to visit Monica before she was officially discharged. She knew that Monica was in much worse shape than she was, and couldn’t help feeling guilty about that. It wasn’t bad enough that she had laid a bunch of emotional crap on the little angel, now she had borne the brunt of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. She wished that she would be able to speak with her alone, but knew that the chances of that were slim and none. Even if she could convince Paul to run get the car or something, Andrew wouldn’t leave his wife’s side.
"Your chariot awaits," Paul announced in a completely fake British accent as he backed into the room pulling the wheel chair along with him.
Paul’s complete and sincere efforts to make her feel better were another bone of contention for her. He had no idea why she was still so quiet and distant, and with every sweet gesture he made her feel just that much guiltier about the fact that she simply couldn’t let herself believe that she was anything more than a poor replacement to him.
She smiled up at him, but it didn’t reach her eyes, and he felt his own grin waver. "Did you check to make sure she’s awake?"
"Yep. Stopped down there and she woke up about an hour ago. She wants to see you too. I have a feeling she didn’t believe me when I said you were fine."
"I know she was awake the whole time we were trapped," she said sadly. "I think she’s surprised I got off so light when I spent most of the time unconscious."
"Hey, you didn’t get off light, and you know Monica… she’d much rather have things this way."
"Yeah, I know, but strangely enough that doesn’t make me feel any better."
"I know. Maybe seeing her in the flesh will." He bent over to lift her up but she stopped him with a soft hand against his chest.
"I think I can manage," she said softly.
Taking a step back he looked down at her and all of the good humor drained from his face, to be replaced once more by guilt. "Are you sure?"
"Course I’m sure. You know those things are just a precaution anyway," she said, mad at herself for being so obvious about not wanting him to touch her.
She forced a smile as she pushed herself up and swung her legs over the side of the bed.
Her chest hurt more than she let on, but she managed to make it into the chair without so much as a peep and then looked up at him expectantly.
"All set?" he asked, almost hesitant to push her.
"Let’s roll."
*****
"Are you sure you’re up for visitors, angel?"
"I’ll be fine," Monica whispered, voice still raspy.
She was lying very still, but the bed had been slightly inclined and she was actually finding it easier to breathe that way. The additional pain medication hadn’t hurt either, although she could tell that it was already beginning to wear off. She had meant to ask her doctor for one that wouldn’t knock her out and had completely forgotten. She would have to send Andrew to find her after Paul and Alex left.
The door slowly began to open and Paul called in, "You have a visitor."
"Come on in, you two," Andrew said as he moved to open the door for them.
Alex had a smile on her face as she was pushed into the room, but it quickly faded as she laid eyes on her friend. Monica was still paler than usual, and a collection of tubes and wires ran to her body, ranging from the IV in her hand to the heart monitor that Dr. Fitzgerald had insisted on leaving in place.
"It’s all right," Monica was quick to reassure her. "It looks much worse than it is."
"I don’t know… It looks pretty bad," Alex said softly. "How are you doing? Honestly."
Monica shrugged, and instantly regretted even that action. "You know I can’t lie. It hurts… and I was scared for a little while. But I’m just so thankful that you are okay. Andrew said you get to leave today." The little angel smiled, but at the back of her mind she was wondering when she would get a chance to speak to her again.
"Yeah, but I’m pretty much bed ridden once I get home. They’re afraid one of my ribs could cause my lung to collapse, so they want me to take it easy."
"Alex, you were just trapped in a building under a steel pole for almost seven hours. I think taking it easy is probably a good idea," Andrew said with a bit of a smirk.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Alex quickly turned her head back to Monica. "Do you know when you’re going to be released?"
"Not yet."
The agent lowered her voice. "Any sign that He’ll be stepping in to speed things along?" she asked, with a raised eyebrow, referring to other events she had witnessed.
"I don’t think so," Monica replied, wondering herself if that was a possibility but sensing that it wasn’t. She had a feeling that there was still a lot she needed to do, and recovering would give her the time to do it.
"Well, you know you’re welcome to stay at the townhouse. In fact, I insist," Paul said, completely missing the look of veiled panic in Monica’s eyes.
She wanted to help Alex and she wasn’t sure if staying at the house was the right way to do that, especially after promising that she would stay away.
Andrew was studying his wife closely, taking note of each nervous glimmer in her dark eyes and the way she was toying with her engagement ring with her thumb. The last thing he wanted was for her to be upset, but after careful deliberation, he realized that she was going to be that no matter what decided about future accommodations.
"Thanks for the offer, Paul. We’re not sure how much longer her doctor will want to keep her or what God has planned, so we’ll keep that in mind," Andrew smiled and nodded his head in thanks towards his friend.
"Andrew, Monica just told Alex she didn’t think He’d be intervening and the doctor isn’t going to keep her here for a full recovery," Paul argued gently. He had things to make up for, and he knew Monica wasn’t going to get much rest in the hospital as no one every did, "The townhouse is close and comfortable. What else are you going to do? Take her to a hotel?"
"Of course not," He forced a chuckle, "The Father will provide, Paul. You know that."
"Seems to be He just did, buddy," Paul didn’t necessarily want to push but as pissed off as the angel was with him, he wasn’t going to watch him jeopardize Monica’s health because of it.
Andrew’s eyes darted back to the little angel, feeling her distress wrapping around his heart and he cursed softly under his breath, "Paul, let’s continue this outside and give the girls a chance to talk," He placed a hand on the agent’s shoulder and steered him from the room, though he planned on going no further than outside Monica’s door.
Alex had been listening to the exchange but her blue eyes had never left Monica’s face. She looked positively panicked and Alex vaguely remembered a conversation she and Monica had while they had been trapped. She had apologized to the angel for the things she had said about Lauren and Monica had told her she thought she was right. But Alex felt sure that there had been more just before she had lost consciousness.
The agent had a feeling that whatever else Monica had said had something to do with staying away and Andrew must also now know the things that she had told his wife, "Listen Monica…it’s okay. I want you to stay with us," Alex tried to persuade her, not only because the angel was her friend and she was feeling badly that her injuries were more severe. But also because having the two angels around would be a welcome diversion. She didn’t want to face the things she now knew to be true and sharing them with Paul was certainly not an option. But Monica was already shaking her head.
"Alex…no. You and Paul need time and I don’t want to hinder anything…"
"I never should have told you those things, honey; it wasn’t fair of me. Paul is your friend and I don’t want-."
"My friend based on what, Alex? That I look like his late fiancée?" The words were laced with guilt and hurt but she hadn’t been able to stop them, "I want you two to work this out and that means I need to stay away," the pain in her chest and stomach were increasing with her agitation and she was already changing her mind about wanting to stay awake. If she was sleeping she would no longer be having this conversation.
"Monica, I never said that your friendship with Paul was only based on your resemblance to Lauren," Suddenly despite her own heartache, she now had one more thing to feel badly about. She was just preparing to argue further when the door opened and immediately silenced her.
"Now that that is solved," Paul was grinning rather triumphantly, "I think it is time I took my wife home and put her to bed."
Andrew was looking undeniably guilty and Monica shot him a look of betrayal that nearly broke his heart. He had his reasons, but he had to wait for their friends to leave to explain them to her and hope that she understood.
Alex had not missed the look in Monica’s eyes, making her feel even worse to have caused any contention between the newlyweds, "If I can’t get here tomorrow, I’ll call to check on you, all right?" She reached for Monica’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
The little angel closed her eyes, feigning sleepiness as she nodded her head and Paul frowned. Monica had not once met his eyes while he had been in the room and he had to wonder what all Andrew had told her, or if just knowing about his argument with Alex had her upset with him. He had a feeling he was going to be working overtime, with first making things right with his wife and then with the angel and it was only fair. After all, he had done double duty pissing them both off.
"Take care of yourself, sweetheart," He approached Monica’s bed and bent to kiss her cheek, "Better yet, have this guy take care of you, but I know he will."
"Absolutely," Andrew replied, trying to place extra confidence in his voice, "We’ll talk to you both soon."
Once Paul had pushed Alex out of the room, Andrew approached Monica’s bedside somewhat tentatively, "Angel…"
Her eyes opened and she looked at him accusingly even as her eyes were clouded with physical pain, "Why did you agree when you knew how I felt?"
Her hurt was obvious and he hated it. He only hoped he could fix it, "Sweetheart, Paul was not taking no for an answer and the fact is that we do need a place to go once you are released. Unless God does intervene, it is going to take you a bit of time to heal-."
"We could have gone someplace else…anyplace else…" She blinked back tears, "I don’t want to cause anymore problems then I already have."
"First off all, Monica, you haven’t caused any problems," His voice bordered on stern, unwilling to accept her blaming herself in any way for the differences their friends were having, "And angel, I’m not even convinced that what Alex believes, what she has you believing is even a reality."
"How can you say that?" Lying in bed with nothing to do but think had unfortunately made her more and not less convinced that Alex was right.
He sat down and gently stroked her arm, hoping that the action would serve to calm her. "Because I know Paul, and so do you. He loves Alex. I believe that in the beginning part of what drew him to you was a feeling of a sort of "second chance", and a way to make up for not being able to save Lauren, but that was in the beginning. He knows and loves you for who you are, and he loves Alex for who she is. Do you really think that he only sees Lauren when he looks at you?"
She was concentrating her gaze on the steady drip of the IV and her shoulders moved just slightly. "I don’t know anymore."
"Well I do. You are precious to him for so many reasons that have nothing to do with what you look like. Or are you forgetting that thanks to you he has a relationship with God… and a relationship with Alex."
"But what about what Alex said?"
"Baby, Alex was hurt, and Paul was a bastard for saying what he did, but I don’t believe it was anything more than spur of the moment anger. This is obviously something that’s been stored away at the back of her mind for a very long time. Unfortunately their fight has pulled it all out of hiding, but that doesn’t mean it’s true."
"She’s so hurt, Andrew, and now I think she’s just ignoring it again."
"I know she is, but that isn’t your fault. I think that you and I both know that helping her to work through this is exactly why you are still here in this bed."
She nodded slightly. "I just want the two of them to be happy. It seems like just yesterday we were all at the farm celebrating and now…" she trailed off as the pain along with her emotions pushed tears from her eyes.
Her husband quickly brushed them away and squeezed her arm gently. "Don’t you worry. Things will be back to normal before you know it. Right now let’s concentrate on getting you rested and well enough to leave."
Blinking away what was left of her tears she nodded and granted him a tiny smile. "I wish you could climb up here with me. It’s hard to rest when you’re not holding me. That was the hardest part about being away from you."
Andrew swallowed hard and leaned forward to kiss her gently. "You know there’s nothing I want more, but I just can’t. I don’t want to hurt you and there are so many machines right now."
"It’s okay," she replied, letting out a shuddering breath. "Just stay here with me?"
"As if you have to ask." He cupped her face gently in his hand and kissed her once more.
She smiled, but the disappointment at not being closer was still written on her face and he could feel it in his heart. His own was strong enough that he couldn’t tell where it left off and hers began.
"Can I leave you just for a minute?" he asked tentatively after she shifted restlessly for the third time. "Just for a minute."
"Yes, I’ll be all right," she answered but her eyebrows drew together in question.
He was out the door before she could say another word and she wondered if he had been called to another floor by God. She hated that he would feel he couldn’t do his job because of her, but at the same time she didn’t want him to leave either. She let out a little sigh. Being married was the most wonderful thing she could imagine, and it gave her more joy than she had even expected, but she was beginning to realize that sometimes God’s needs were going to override theirs. She had always known that was true, but this was the first time it was hitting her how hard that was going to be. She found herself praying that Andrew hadn’t been called away.
Five minutes passed and she was beginning to really worry when the door opened and Andrew came in with Dr. Fitzgerald in tow. Monica looked at Andrew, puzzled, but then the doctor was next to her and lifting her wrist to check her pulse.
"I’m sorry I wasn’t in earlier, Monica," she said. "Your husband tells me that you’re feeling a bit like a lab rat with all of these machines hooked up, so I’m here to check you over and see about at least getting the heart monitor off. Unfortunately you’re going to have to keep the IV, at least for your pain medication."
The angel’s dark eyes had brightened the second the doctor mentioned taking away the wires that were currently running from her body to the softly beeping machine beside the bed. "I’ve been feeling better," she insisted, and when the doctor raised one eyebrow she reluctantly continued, "well, maybe not a lot better… but I feel a little stronger."
"And that’s good. That’s what I like to hear." She briefly warmed her stethoscope in her hands before pressing it to Monica’s chest. A minute later she removed it and checked the paper readout from the heart monitor. "All right. Your heart and lungs are both sounding good, so I think we can get you off the monitor and just keep checking you periodically." She looked over at Andrew. "I know she doesn’t want to go back on it, but if she has any trouble breathing or any sharp pains in her chest you need to get the nurse in here immediately. She’s still in danger of a collapsed lung and the monitor would have caught the jump in heartrate if that happened, so now consider yourself her new and improved monitor."
"Not a problem," Andrew assured her.
A few minutes later the leads were removed and the monitor was clicked off and pushed to the corner. "The nurse will be in to refill the morphine drip in about half an hour, and I want you resting. Understood?"
"Crystal clear," Monica replied with a grin.
"Good." She smiled and glanced quickly at Andrew again. "I have a feeling he’ll keep you in line."
Andrew chuckled as the doctor left but almost as soon as the door was closed Monica was moving herself closer to the edge of the bed. "Monica…"
"Please? Isn’t this why you got her?" Her eyes were pleading and gave him all the convincing he needed.
"Only because you’ll rest better this way," he said as he carefully squeezed in behind her. When he finally wrapped his arm around her and felt her heartbeat through her back he could sense his own slowing to match it. In the middle of the hospital, he was home again.
"Thank you, Andrew," she whispered as she closed her eyes and clutched at his hand. "I love you."
"I love you too, baby. Now get some sleep. I’m got going anywhere."
*****
"So what do we have on these bastards?" Alex asked once Paul had helped her get situated in bed upon returning to the townhouse. As much as she had wanted to be able to get herself settled into their bed, the pain had gotten the better of her and she had been forced to allow him to help her.
"I don’t want to talk about that right now, baby," Paul sat down next to her and tried to meet her eyes, but she seemed to have gotten rather inept at avoiding his gaze. However, he refused to be deterred, "I want to talk about what happened between us before the building was bombed."
Her heart felt like it might pound out of her chest, but she forced herself to remain calm. At the very least, maybe she could steer the conversation the way she wanted it to go. "I should have talked to you first before I volunteered, but you’ve never required that from me before and I know you don’t think I still have things to prove, but as a woman in a man’s profession, I think I do."
Though this was not exactly the part of the situation he wanted to confront first, he was just thankful she was talking at all. "You know that I work very hard to not stand in your way where your job is concerned and the reason I have to work at it is because I love you. The thought of anything happening to you, Alex…" He shook his head, unable to fathom the thought, "I couldn’t bear it, sweetheart. It’s something I would never get over."
She felt tears creeping into her eyes. She should be completely touched by his words, but instead they were solidifying what she already knew to be true. He had never gotten over Lauren. He never would, but she would play along for the sake of not having that discussion, "I should have thought about that. Monica made me see that. Apparently there are thing she has already figured out after a month of marriage that I haven’t after almost a year."
"Well, being heavenly creatures and all may have something to do with the way they handle each other that often escapes us lowly humans," He teased gently, managing to get the tiniest of smiles out of her before his expression turned serious once more. "I never should have reacted the way I did, baby. You know my big mouth often gets the better of me mostly due to my distaste of confrontation, especially with those I love."
She managed a nod and sensing he had more to say, she searched for an escape, "Paul, I’m really feeling a bit tired…"
His eyes widened in concern, "Are you feeling all right? Any pains in your chest? Trouble breathing?"
"No, nothing like that. Just tired." At least that much was the truth. She felt tired right down to her soul and though her broken ribs were aching, her broken heart felt much worse.
Paul suppressed a sigh. He had so much more he wanted to tell her, but he had to put her health first and her doctor had been explicit in his orders for her to rest. Fishing in his jacket pocket, he pulled out the pain killers they had picked up at the pharmacy on the way home and handed one to her before passing her the glass of water he had brought upstairs, "Then rest, honey. We have plenty of time to talk."
Alex took the pill quickly and moved slowly and agonizingly to a better position, "Thanks." She nearly panicked when he moved to kiss her, but her body melted into his loving kiss, even as her heart ached even more.
"You’re my world, Alex Gatlin, and don’t you ever forget it," He whispered to her, "Now sleep."
She closed her eyes quickly to hide the tears. Maybe she was his world, but only by default.
Chapter 7
By the following afternoon, Monica was determined, but was fairly certain she was dying. She had known her doctor would sooner or later issue the order for her to do some walking, but the angel had been in no hurry to hear that request. But now, with Andrew’s arm around her waist, she was venturing the first painful steps out of bed, each one pulling on the stitches in her stomach and causing her body to tremble slightly.
She had slept all evening, through the night and into the morning in her husband’s arms and she knew it was the best sleep she’d had since leaving the cottage. Feeling his warm body next to her did more than any pain killer ever could and when she had awoken, she had felt refreshed and remarkably better. Andrew had even commented on her getting some of her color back and she had felt ready to conquer the world once more until she had been asked to conquer a simple walk down the hall.
Andrew watched worriedly as she pressed her lips tightly together, her steps slow and small. She uttered not a sound, but he could feel her trembling against the pain, "Angel, if you can’t go any further…"
"No, it’s okay. I can," She was fighting to hold onto her determination but she had been surprised to find herself so weak.
He allowed her a few more steps down the hall and he felt her falter slightly, "Monica, you have nothing to prove to anyone," He chided her gently as he stopped walking, bringing her IV pole to an abrupt halt.
Monica managed to catch her breath, despite the fact that her ribs seemed determined to steal it, "I know, but I’d like to be discharged… at least, I think I would." Being released meant facing Paul and despite her talk with Andrew last night, there were still doubts lingering in her mind. But she had never enjoyed being a patient and she was sure that the only individual she needed looking after her was her husband.
He gave a small shake of his head at her eternal stubborn streak. She’d get discharged if she had to crawl out of here, of that he was certain, "Come on. Let’s turn around and head back. You did very well for a first time out but I don’t want you to overdo it and I doubt your doctor does either."
She gave a tired nod as they turned around to return to her room, feeling a dash of bitter disappointment at how close they were. She felt as if she had walked miles. As Andrew led her to her bed, she shook her head, "The chair, please? Just for a bit."
He relented and helped to ease her down into it, watching her flinch and bite back a whimper, but once she was settled, she seemed fairly comfortable. Kneeling in front of her, he rested his hands on her legs, "You okay?"
Monica smiled, seeing his blatant concern for her and she rested a hand against his cheek, "Yes. You worry too much."
"There is no one I’d rather worry about, sweetheart," He replied and seeing as she had caught her breath once more, he moved his hand to her face and kissed her tenderly several times.
Her dark eyes were shining with happiness, temporarily forgetting the things that were troubling her, "This really isn’t fair." He raised his eyebrows in question and she felt herself blushing as she struggled to explain, "I…miss…I’d like to…I want to BE with you," She finally managed to say, lowering her eyes shyly, "But I think that may take awhile."
He chuckled softly, "You and me both, angel, but I suppose you will be learning a bit of patience after all."
She looked slightly sheepish as she said, "You and me both, I think!"
Patting her knee, he leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "Don’t worry about me. Remember, I’ve told you before, I could go the rest of my existence and be happy just to hold you."
The little angel cocked her head and narrowed her eyes playfully. "That was before our wedding night. I think you might feel a little differently now."
He seemed to take her words to heart as he replied slowly, "All right. You may be right about that."
A sly smile crossed her face and Andrew laughed. Lifting her hand to his lips he kissed it gently and his expression turned serious. "I’m not going to say that I won’t miss making love to you, Monica, but I don’t think you can imagine how scared I was yesterday. Just holding your hand is a gift to me right now."
"You know that God was with me," she said, trying to reassure him when she noticed that there was still a tiny hint of fear in his eyes.
"Yes, but that didn’t make me worry any less. I can’t stand to see you hurt and in pain, baby, and yesterday nothing I did could take away that pain. Your last words to me up in that building were ‘I love you’ and I was so upset I couldn’t even reply to tell you the same thing and give you that to hold onto."
Her hand on his cheek was soft and warm and he tilted his face to kiss her palm. "You didn’t have to say a word, Andrew. Remember?" She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her chest. "It’s all right in here. Everything that you feel. I carry it with me every second of every day. I admit that this isn’t exactly how I imagined our reunion," she continued with a sad smile. "I just don’t know what else I could have done differently."
"Of course not, Monica. You did everything right. It wasn’t your fault that you were in that building." His voice had a slightly harsh quality to it and the little angel looked at him questioningly.
"Paul?" She had noticed the distance he had placed between himself and the agent but hadn’t thought anything of it until now.
"He sent you up there, Monica, and he left Alex up there," he replied, his face grim.
"He had no idea anything like that was going to happen to us. He was just upset. He didn’t know what to do about Alex."
Andrew chose to sidestep the fact that Paul had, in fact, been given information about what might happen. "He didn’t know what to do so he let you go up there to fix it for him, taking advantage of the fact that you would do just about anything for the two of them."
Monica started to bite her lip and Andrew felt immediately guilty. She had enough to think about without him adding to her worries. He quickly leaned forward and kissed her lightly.
"Nevermind about that. You know I can get overprotective when it comes to you. Don’t listen to me."
"You’re right, though. I love them, and I knew there was something wrong, and I wanted to help." She gave a little shrug. "I’m still glad I went in there… If I hadn’t… Alex might not…"
He kissed her again and cut off her words. "And that is another reason why I love you, Monica, and it’s another thing that makes you a wonderful angel."
She smiled at him and it went straight to his heart. "Well you aren’t half bad yourself."
*****
Alex was asleep, or at least she was pretending to be asleep, and Paul was hesitant to disturb her so he was containing his restlessness to the first floor. He had stopped pacing after the little herd of cats tripped him for the third time, and instead was sitting on the sofa in the study, trying to concentrate on an email Walter had forwarded to him. He looked up with a slight grin when Lucy hopped up beside him. Her appearance was a sure sign that Monica and Andrew would be coming eventually as well.
Ten minutes later, the phone rang and he jumped p to get it before it rang again. Lucy was miffed at the sudden absence of her pillow and jumped down to find her brothers and sisters. "Hello?"
"Hello, Paul. It’s Walt. You get my email?"
"Yeah," he replied with a trace of the frustration he was feeling. "I think we both know that we’ll never be able to get the people who really planned this whole thing."
"I’m sorry, Paul. I know this is even more personal for you. The best we can hope for is that the troops overseas round up at least some of them."
"Don’t be sorry, and don’t pretend this isn’t damn personal for you too. How many…" he hated to even ask. He knew that all of the members of his own unit had escaped with only minor injuries, but reports on other casualties had varied widely.
"Seventy-four missing or confirmed dead from our building. The CIA got hit even harder. They have one hundred and sixteen missing, presumed dead."
"Jesus…" Paul muttered under his breath before catching himself. "Is there anything I can do? Anything?"
"I wish I could say yes, but frankly you’re better off at home. They aren’t going to let us back into the remains of the building for at least another two weeks and as of now I’m declaring that all but the most high profile cases be shelved for the moment. Take care of Alex. That’s the best thing you can do right now."
"Yeah… I’m trying," Paul said, then quickly covered with, "you know how independent and stubborn she can be."
"Oh yes. Part of the reason I like her." Paul could almost hear the other man smiling.
"Her unit… was anyone…"
"There were only five survivors above the tenth floor, Paul. She was one of them."
Nothing else needed to be said. The enormity of his statement sat like a rock in the bottom of Paul’s chest. Friends. Co-workers. They were all gone. "Well… I’m gonna let you go, Walt. I know you probably have a lot more calls to make."
"Unfortunately, I do. I’ll be in touch, Paul."
"Thanks. Take care of yourself."
"I’ll try."
Paul hung up the phone feeling even more discouraged than he had before. Such a waste. The whole thing was such a waste. He couldn’t fathom what could drive a person to kill so wantonly and so randomly, and yet there had been at least six people involved. Three bombers per building. It made his stomach clench when he tried to contemplate that much hate and misunderstanding. He fell back onto the sofa and once again, Lucy joined him, butting her head against him, and urging him out of his dark thoughts. Unfortunately, not thinking about the bombers just meant that he had to return to thinking about Alex and the fact that what had felt like just a stupid, but admittedly bad, argument had clearly meant much more to her. Maybe when the two angels came it would snap her out of it, or at least make her more willing to tell him what was really bothering her.
Almost as soon as his thoughts wandered in that direction he slapped his forehead and leaned his elbows on his knees. Trying to get someone else to fix his mistakes was part of what had gotten him into trouble in the first place! Obviously he still had a lot to learn.
Drawing in a deep breath, he stood up and walked to the stairs, deciding it was time to check on her and placing hope against hope that maybe she would open up to him. Paul found her sitting up in bed and one look at her told him that she was in pain. Her breaths were short and shallow, and he surmised she was trying to alleviate the shooting pains that breathing was causing her broken ribs. What disturbed him even more was that she was staring vacantly out the window, her eyes glassy with unshed tears.
"Alex, why didn’t you take another pill?" He chastised gently as he reached for the small bottle and tilted one into his hand.
She gave a small shrug as she accepted it from him along with the glass of water and took the pill, "What were you doing?" Her voice was soft and it sounded like she was trying to force herself to have a conversation with him.
"Talking to Walt," He replied, hoping she wouldn’t question too many things regarding the explosion. He wasn’t sure she could carry the weight of hearing about how many had died, but he should have known better. In pain or not, she wanted to know everything.
She swallowed hard against her fear, "My team…are they…are they okay?"
Paul lowered his eyes for a moment before he reached for her hand, hating how limp it felt in his own, "Baby…most of the people on your floor and above…sweetie, they didn’t make it out."
Her blue eyes welled up with tears as she finally looked at him and he felt her hand tighten around his, "No one?"
"Five, Alex…five people made it out other than you," His words were soft and he watched in agony as she struggled to hold back her tears, but a moment later, her eyes closed and she surrendered to them.
"Oh God…oh God," She uttered weakly, bringing her hands to her face. She had been sitting here thinking about how much she physically hurt, but at least she was alive. That was more than she could say of those she worked with, "Who? Do you know who?" But he was already shaking his head sadly, "MaryAnn just had a baby…and Jim…he was getting married next month…Stephen has three little girls…how? How could this have happened?"
"Alex, baby, don’t do this," He felt emotion rising to his throat. It was hard enough to see her in pain, but this loss was so great for her. He took a chance and moved up beside her, wrapping his arm around her trembling shoulders, thankful when she didn’t resist, "I’m so sorry, sweetheart," He whispered, kissing the top of her head, "I feel terrible, but a part of me is just so damn thankful that you’re here. I couldn’t lose you, Alex. I love you so much."
Her grief and physical pain were nearly consuming her as she shook her head, "Not…as much as you’re supposed to…not as much as I love you…"
"Alex. What?" He could hardly fathom what she had just said, "How can you say that? Was it what I said the other day? Baby, I was angry… you know how my mouth gets ahead of me sometimes. I never meant-."
"Yes…yes, you did…you can’t help how you feel and I suppose I should be thankful you aren’t lying to me anymore," She started to pull away, the sobs still shaking her and causing searing pain with each one.
"I have never lied to you!" He was pleading and refusing to release her, "Alex, I love you completely. You are the single most important person in my life."
"Only by the process of elimination…" The words were but a whisper and Paul was certain he had misunderstood, but she was shaking her head before he could even ask, "Just go, please? I’d really like to be alone. Talking about this…hurts too much."
Paul finally released his hold on her, though he wasn’t sure if that was the right or wrong thing to do, "Baby, I can’t fix this unless you level with me. What I said that day…I’m sorry. I was sorry the moment I said it because I didn’t mean it!" She had turned her head away and was staring out the window once more as her tears continued to fall and he felt frustration forming in his heart, "I have fucked everything up so badly. With you, with Monica, with Andrew, with knowing those sons of bitches might try something. I-."
"You knew something was going to happen?" Her distress felt like more than she could ever bear as she turned eyes filled with disbelief and betrayal to him, "All those people dead and you fucking knew something?"
"We had nothing solid, Alex. We were tracking some guys, but so far we had nothing," He lowered his head. At the very least, he was thankful that the truth was out as he wasn’t sure if he could have carried the guilt inside much longer. Though Alex knew it was FBI protocol to not share cases, he knew that this one would hit hard.
"So I guess the fucking building exploding was solid enough for you, is that it?" She snapped at him, before biting her lip and turning away. In her heart she knew he had done exactly what was expected of him, but the fact that nearly her entire unit had been killed and that she and Monica had been hurt suddenly was much higher on her priority list. Her head was pounding and her heart hurt nearly as much, "I really need for you to leave right now. I can’t do this…I can’t even look at you right now."
What she wanted was to fall into his arms and plead with him to tell her none of it was true. That he hadn’t known, that he really did love her completely and didn’t compare her to Lauren, that his friendship with Monica hadn’t served as a constant reminder of what he had lost and what he had settled for. But she couldn’t do any of those things. Alex glanced over at him and saw the tears glistening in his eyes and another sob escaped her, "Please, Paul," She whispered, loving him so much it hurt, "I just need a little time."
He cleared his throat and blinked back the moisture in his eyes as he gave a small nod. "Whatever you need, Alex." He rose to his feet and started for the door, but turned back before he left the room, "I know it doesn’t mean a damn thing to you right now and that it won’t fix anything, but I’m sorry." His voice was thick with emotion, "I’ve asked God to please let me take it all back, but I don’t think He’s going to allow that, so I’m left with not being sure of what to do."
She looked back at the door as he felt her alone, wanting to feel angry, but all she felt was a sadness so heavy she wasn’t sure of how she was still breathing.
*****
"All set?" Andrew asked with a smile as he looked at his wife, who was now sitting in the chair near her hospital bed. Monica had continued to improve over the course of the last few days and she had finally been given her discharge papers. She was still moving rather slowly and she had required his assistance with getting dressed, but now a tired smile was on her face.
"All set," She confirmed, eyeing the wheelchair that was in the corner of the room. She knew that hospital regulations require that she be wheeled out of here, but she still wished she would be permitted to walk instead. Though she was already tired just from getting ready, she was also convinced that only exercise would continue to allow her improve.
"Don’t even think about it, angel," He chuckled, knowing her well enough to know exactly what she was pondering, "Until we reach Paul’s car when he gets here, that it your chariot and I’m not tolerating an argument."
Monica gave a tiny sigh before putting on her best pouting face, which only caused him to laugh once more before he bent down to kiss her softly but her hand on his cheek caused things to move to a much more heated place. When their lips parted, he was breathless and looking at her in a way that was part amusement, part chastising.
"Don’t give me that look," She quipped with a grin, "Kissing you is all I’m going to get for awhile and my doctor didn’t place any stipulations on that, so get over it."
Andrew burst out laughing as he shook his head and kissed her forehead, "Oh how I do love you, Monica. And no, as far as kissing goes, you’ll get no argument from me."